1. When you are unhappy with where you are being seated do you ask nicely to be seated elsewhere? Or, do you fold your arms like a petulant child and refuse to sit where you have been led? Do you then, instead of using your big girl voice, point and gesture to the table that is more to your liking. Do you understand why you were not directed to/will not be given a table designed to seat eight people? Do you realize that you and the other member of your party only add up to two? Can you count?
2. When you are approached by your server do you make eye contact? Do you answer his query of “Hi, folks! How are you doing tonight?” with even a perfunctory “Fine”. Or, do you barely acknowledge his presence? (For the record, grunting does not count as a reply!)
3. When you are asked if you would like something to drink do you make the assumption that you are being asked to order booze and then proceed to become insulted or outraged, as if you had been offered a nice glass of warm infant blood? Or, do you simply request a soft drink, like a normal person?
4. Is your beverage of choice a glass of water with “lots and lots of lemons”? Do you, upon receipt of your free water, proceed to squeeze every lemon into your glass, allowing the pits to land where they may — the floor, the table, on the guy in the booth behind you? Do you dump fifteen packages of sweetener into your beverage and stick the rest of them in your purse or your pocket? Do you really enjoy this poor excuse for lemonade or are you too cheap to spend the $1.99 for a real one?
5. Do you understand that if something is not on the menu it cannot be “whipped up” just for you? Can you comprehend the fact that, although your heart was set on consuming a nice bowl of chicken noodle soup, it cannot be thrown together for you at a moment’s notice?
6. Do you meet the challenge of unsatisfactory soup or salad dressing selections with aplomb? Or, do you carry on as if someone had made off with your first-born because the dining establishment that YOU chose to frequent does not carry the ever-popular “green goddess”? Do you even know what is green goddess is?
7. Do you have a laundry list of dietary restrictions and/or allergies? Do your special needs require your server to scurry back and forth to the kitchen ten times to investigate things like whether paprika is an ingredient in the spice rub? While there are no visible seeds in the complimentary bread, do you insist that he visit the pantry and read the ingredients just “to be sure”? Do you ask that the pepper shakers be cleared, not only from your table, but from each and every table in your vicinity? Do you think that eating out is the best use of your time? Shouldn’t you be out shopping for a bubble?
8. Are you crushingly disappointed to discover that something that hasn’t appeared on the menu in three years is no longer available? Will you request this item each and every time the server asks whether or not you need anything? Will you sulk through the meal, making you uncomfortable to approach? Or, will you just select another menu item from the vast array of choices that are available to you?
9. Will you order dessert and coffee and sit for three hours, thereby eliminating the possibility that your server can wait on anyone other than you at that table for the duration of her shift? Will you compensate the server for renting out her booth? Or, will you, instead, hold your server responsible for all of the things — things that she had no control over — that caused you to feel disgruntled by the whole experience?
10. Do you think that there is exists a remote possible that it is your behavior — and not your “high standards” — that contributed to the “bad service” that you (and ONLY you) are convinced that you received? Do you understand that restaurant employees see the likes of you far too often? Do you think that your server will in any way be surprised by the $5 tip that you left on your $50 check? Not on your life. He had your number from the giddyup.