Well I guess I’m not as fat as I thought I would be as at this point, so that’s a plus. And I guess I should thank my slimmer-than-expected physique on the following 2 things:
1.) A monotonous routine of treadmill running
2.) Several spine twisting Pilates sessions that, believe it or not, I agreed to do voluntarily with my girlfriend.
For that, I am thankful to at least preserve a mediocre figure.
But over the last few mornings, when I look into the foggy mirror after taking a hot shower, I see that I’m soft around the edges. And I’m noticing that I have less of these edges than I did in the Fall.
This tells me that the warm weather can’t come soon enough. That I’m losing ground in the battle to appear healthy. That I need to get outside … that I need to exercise more… because I’m slowly getting fatter.
I can’t hear myself getting fat yet, but I can sure feel it. And now I’m starting to see it. With each day I get a little softer, a little weaker, and with each day of cold Winter passing, the idea of scarfing a sixer of Klondike bars becomes more and more tempting.
Thankfully Spring is almost here. And I can’t wait for the day when going outside doesn’t mean I have to embrace the luxury of chapped lips and Stage 1 Frostbite. I can’t wait to wear normal workout clothes in any workout setting, and I can’t wait for when the weather finally reaches a gentlemen’s agreement with my thermostat dial.
This time of pseudo-hibernation has made me hungrier to get after it. And its extended duration has given me ample time to devise a regimen — or better yet, a set of activities — to help me regain those lost edges.
I’ve planned out my efforts, and here are the fat convecting conventions I’ve come up with:
1. Play Nearly Every Recreational Sport
– Football, Softball, Basketball, Soccer, and even Ultimate Frisbee . You could even spin a wheel and select a Rec league at random… open up any of those mystery doors, and count me in. I’ll be trying anything organized, and going at it like a dog off the leash until I run out of gas or knee cartilage.
2. Run With The Dog
– When I’m not acting like a dog off the leash, I’ll be running with a dog on a leash. I just adopted a puppy this winter, and he’s definitely the hyperactive type (Border Collie/Lab mix). I’m gonna whip him into shape to the point in time when I can’t keep up with him anymore. Stopping only to watch him evacuate his bowels.
3. Hills, Hills, Hills
– Researchers at the University of Georgia found that uphill running recruits an additional 9% of muscle fibers. That’s great news. So when the tundra recedes, I’m putting on my Mike Singletary eyes and taking to the knolls. Doing one uphill run after another until I simultaneously double over with cramps and begin to garner bystander attention via dry heave.
4. Whitewater Rafting
– What better way to get the blood flowing than by inducing fear and introducing danger? It’s only about 65 bucks a pop , and it’s a good change of pace from my other proposed change of paces.
5. Swimming Laps
– I’m 28, and I think I’m finally over myself enough to finally wear skimpy swimwear. I swam for a few weeks back in college in a previous effort to get into shape, and I remember feeling awkwardly out of place when I came out of the locker room wearing Hollister board shorts. Then to make things even more sitcom-worthy, I was plunged deeper into awkwardness when a man 4 times my age repeatedly breezed by me each lap on a blue foam pad in the adjacent lane. This item is on the list not only because it’s something a little different, but also because it’s a chance at redemption.