Dear GOP ( ers ),
I understand that you’re having a trying time. You must be struggling with a lot of challenges forming a platform after the Financial Meltdown of 2008, what with your immutable faith in trickle-down [ 1] economics. I want to send you a few words of encouragement. Things are looking up! The stock market is rocketing into the stratosphere and corporations are sitting on unprecedented cash [ 2], Therefore it’s only a matter of time before the trickle-down effect begins to, once again…trickle. In the meantime, it occurs to me that you’d feel better if you straightened out some policy issues, particularly positions that are untenable as a national platform- and are making you sound a bit crazy. Please take this in the spirit intended, as gentle suggestions to help you remain relevant in the 21 st Century.
Religion– Here are some noble values held by millions of individuals, and admirable. But, to return this country to a God-fearing nation? Which God? Oh, right, of course, your God. Which one was that? Protestant? Catholic? I don’t mean to sound pedantic, but this is the kind of question that makes perfectly nice Christians kill each other. Perhaps if you had championed the right for all faiths to express themselves, our valedictorians could speak freely of whatever inspired them to greatness, be it Jesus, Para Brahman or whatever an Atheist would care to discuss. A valedictorian has earned that right and our society is lessened by muting those voices. Maybe the Bill of Rights was born at a time when the history of Europe was fresh in people’s minds. Perhaps that’s why the Framers made certain that you could practice your faith, but you could not force your faith on others.
Thankfully, “free exercise thereof” is not abridged in any manner, whatsoever, despite grave concerns to the contrary. True, you lost the ability to cause others to bow their heads to your God [ 3]. But, you may enter your place of worship, pray wherever you wish, teach your children your faith, and Christmas is secure; the only thing missing is that mandatory thingy. “As for me and my house, I will serve the Lord”, while beautiful, soaring, and inspiring, is not the oath of the House of Representatives. Congressmen swear an oath [ 5] to defend the Constitution of the United States.
By the way, Creationism [ 6] is a unique science that should be mandatory in all schools as the only science not subject to the scientific method. Bravo! That must free up a lot of time for the Creation Scientists to hand out pamphlets.
Defending Marriage [ 7 ] – So, forbidding homosexuals the right to marry defends marriage- and protects children to boot! I was under the impression that the main threat to marriage was divorce , a regular heterosexual pastime. I can see your point though: if I, a lousy driver, forbid my neighbor to drive, who is potentially a better driver than me, I’ll never have to worry about being rear-ended by my neighbor. And! I’ll never have to worry about my neighbor hitting a puppy, either. Am I right? With traditional heterosexual divorce rates above 50%, and grim statistics for children raised in single-parent homes, maybe it’s OK to let the Gay old Folk have a shot at it. They couldn’t do much worse.
Illegal Immigration [ 8 ] – Build a fence? That’s your answer? Are you kidding me? Thankfully, we have historical data for the success of massive fence borders. The Great Wall of China is the most successful fence ever built and the only thing that could penetrate it was graft, corruption, environmental and intentional damage, and a lots and lots of people, some of them in caravans. Today, The Great Wall actually attracts millions of tourists ever year. But that’s because it’s pretty. So, if you insist on building a wall, do make it pretty, and we can have our own tourist attraction. Another wall we should consider is the Berlin Wall, which was also quite successful. I have a chunk of the Berlin Wall in my basement, somewhere; they sold like hotcakes as souvenirs. So there’s another strategy. Tourism, souvenirs, a massive land-grab of eminent domain, a war zone, and pissing off the Indians one more time, all for the low, low price of an estimated $4.1 billion unfunded dollars (not including the $3 million dollar cost of removing the section we accidentally built inside Mexican territory. Hey, what else could go wrong?).
I know you hate it when U.S. policy looks overseas for any inspiration for policy, but for some reason wanting a big fat fence has induced your gaze to Israel. Israel does have a lovely fence because Israel is surrounded by countries that want to obliterate them. While we do have a serious border problem, our immigration issues are trite compared to Israel’s efforts to exist.
So, there you go. I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you, and I hope you feel better soon. Good luck in 2016.
P.S. Have you spoken with the Liberals lately? Are you guys still not talking? You really should, you know. You two have many of common concerns.
One of your Common Concerns
Note on footnotes: Links are primarily conservative or source websites, included to represent conservative thought on the given topics.
 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trickle-down_economics – Trickle-Down is not a term used by supply-side proponents. This Wikipedia entry explains the history and meaning of the term.
 http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887324328204578573682606572250.html – Conservatives acknowledge the cash holdings of corporations as an outcome of uncertainty in the markets. Screaming headlines of cash holdings by corps are liberal-sourced, not conservative.
 http://www.realclearreligion.org/articles/2011/12/08/quit_thinking_school_prayer_is_banned.html – Explains the ban of mandatory prayer.
 http://biblehub.com/joshua/24-14.htm – Site for Biblical verse.
 http://history.house.gov/Institution/Origins-Development/Oath-of-Office/ – The Oath of Office.
 http://www.creationism.org/ – Intelligent Design is a separate movement from the Creationist groups. Creationists maintain biblical cosmology. Intelligent Design maintains, ” By contrast, ID holds that there are tell-tale features of living systems and the universe that are best explained by a designing intelligence .” http://www.intelligentdesign.org/faq.php.
 http://www.gop.com/2012-republican-platform_We/#Item2 – The 2012 GOP platform.
 http://townhall.com/columnists/hughhewitt/2013/07/25/the-border-fence-and-conservatives-n1648913/page/full – Hugh Hewitt of Conservative Talk 94.5 interviews Trey Gowdy, SC Congressman,