I’ve been trying to come up with ways to make some extra money using my writing. Examining contests and classifieds, I’ve discovered that poetry is paying out really well, and has a lot of opportunities. Unfortunately for me, I suck at poetry. However, I saw an add for a company called Say It At Your Wedding, and I thought I’d give it a go before work.
The results were not great. Nothing submittable whatsoever. On the other hand, they made me giggle, and I figured at the very least I could share the nonsense and with any luck, my someone else laugh too.
So without further ado, I present to you terrible ideas for wedding vows and quite possibly the worst poetry ever written.
I’m sorry, one more ado. These are not titled. I suck at titles too.
Every day I spend with you
My love grows steadily stronger
I wish to keep this fire lit
More than one night longer
I pledge to you my life, my love
Your happiness is my own.
Now let’s get through this shindig
I left the oven on at home.
The rest of our lives can be happy
I married my love true
But once we get out of sight of the public
Those clothes are coming off you
You are my friend
But this suit makes me itchy
I don’t know most of these people
And I definitely hate that one guy back there
So you can definitely tell this day is about you, dear.
Your eyes are like pools I could lose myself in
You skin so divine that it glows.
Your hair cascades down like a beautiful fountain
You’re a goddess right down to your toes.
One day you’ll be saggy
Bags under your eyes.
You’ll forget who I am
And wear diapers.
But I’ll sit right next to you
Patting your hand
My love can withstand your Alzheimer’s.
No woman can compete with you
You’re gorgeous, witty, and wise
One day I’ll eat those words
When you cut me down a size.