I sometimes wonder why I choose to live in Canada. Of course, it usually happens when I find myself frozen in two feet of blowing snow, waiting for a bus that just won’t come because it embedded itself in a snowbank somewhere.
So why do I choose to put up every year with this teeth-chattering, face-numbing, foul-language-provoking season we call winter? Wouldn’t it be so much nicer to live in an eternally warm and sunny place? Like, say, Hawaii?
Well, it’s hard to deny the appeal of the Aloha State. But after giving it lots of thought, I now realize that there are some pretty cool things about living in Canada.
1. We Have Mobile Igloos
No, really, they’re awesome. They’re like cars, but with three feet of snow on top. We see them everywhere, driven by squinty-eyed people craning their necks to get a better view of the road through the porthole-sized area they cleared on the windshield.
Granted, these igloos are a little difficult to back up because the driver really can’t see a darn thing through the rear view mirror, but that’s OK. With snow armor that thick, these mobile igloos could probably take out an 18-wheeler. They could probably withstand close-range artillery fire. Slap a cannon and a couple of machine guns on them and these will become the next generation vehicles to replace the military’s aging fleet of Leopard 2 tanks.
2. We Can Drive Without Seeing Where We’re Going
Visibility is so over-rated. Who needs clear skies and freshly painted road markings anyway? Bo-ring!
Monster snowstorms are where things are at. Who wouldn’t enjoy giant snowflakes bearing down on their windshield like a swarm of locusts while the windshield wipers frantically swoosh back and forth? Sure, the wipers sometimes get mired in snow and ice and spread chunks all over the glass but whatever. It’s not like we could actually see three feet in front of us anyway.
Total lack of visibility is how we Canadians have developed such a keen intuition and sixth sense. We may not see dead people, but we can get from point A to point B in blinding snow and freezing rain, in the dark, without nary a scratch to a lamp post or pedestrian. (In most cases, anyway.) Mind you, we might weave a little bit from left to right as we try to find that elusive yellow line but we can usually rely on the snowbanks to keep us from straying too far.
3. We Can Stay Fit Without Going to the Gym
Canadians are pretty fit, especially in the winter. The bonus is, we don’t have to buy a $500 gym membership to get that toned and muscled body everyone is dying for. Just spend a couple of days a week lifting 20-pound chunks of snow and ice from your driveway with a shovel and throwing it over 5-foot snowbanks, and you too will have the beefiest arms and shoulders this side of the Atlantic. And it’s great cardio too. (You just have to watch out for the signs of a heart attack.)
Add to that the plethora of other Canadian athletics, such as the 15-metre long jump over slushy puddles and the Olympic hurdles over sidewalk snowbanks, and that’s a complete fitness regimen that Tony Horton can be proud of.
