Much has been written about the problems of females coping with PMS. Many males deal with the malady of PFS, that is only seasonal, but no less trying. Unlike PMS, that begins with puberty and ends at menopause for women, PFS is only found in males and age has nothing to do with the condition. In case you don’t know what PFS is, it is an acronym for Pre-Football Syndrome. Unlike its female counterpart, PMS that occurs monthly, PFS raises its ugly head on a weekly basis. Fortunately it generally only lasts from early September to mid February at the latest. For some it can end as early as late November. Its symptoms can include irritability, malaise, indigestion, loss of appetite, or compulsive eating, and anxiety. Symptoms will vary with the individual. It is often marked by grandiose expectations concerning the fan’s favorite team followed by severe depression when the team is defeated, or extreme euphoria when the team wins. The condition generally only lasts a few days and then ends at kickoff when FHS kicks in. FHS is football hysteria syndrome and lasts 3-4 hours depending on the length of the game. Those afflicted are easily recognized. They are generally half naked and painted in their team’s colors. They can be seen with corncobs, cheese wedges, pig noses, and all other manner of headgear. Those suffering from this condition are often very loud and obnoxious and sometimes drunk.
The acronym for those suffering with the psychosomatic post game ailment is PFD, or Post Football Dementia. As stated in the paragraph above it is marked by severe depression in the event of a loss. If this condition is not treated it can devolve into a semi-catatonic state for certain personality types. The male type prone to a catatonic reaction can be brought back to a state of consciousness by playing a recording of the Monday Night Football theme and dosing them with nachos and soft drinks. Alpha male types may be found in a semi psychotic state voicing a desire to kill the coach if he doesn’t change quarterbacks. They can be treated with a mild sedative. If a fan has had a recent surgery and there is some left over hyrdocodone in the house you can give him some of that and after an hour or so he won’t care about the game anymore. The condition of PFD suffered after a losing game is called Manic-Depressive PFD. The type suffered after a win is called Grandiose Euphoric PFD and is marked by extreme euphoria. In this state the fan’s wife is the one who suffers because the one afflicted with Grandiose Euphoric PFD will recount the events of the game repetitively, to their wives, for several days until the PFS kicks in for the next game. There is no known treatment for this condition. Grandiose Euphoric PDF can lead to unrealistically heightened expectations after a close win over Slippery Rock U. If the one experiencing from GEPDF after a win suffers through a loss the next game they can be thrown in a very elevated state of Manic-Depressive PFD that might require more than nachos, soft drinks, or sedatives to bring the sufferer back to reality. In some severe cases shock treatment may be necessary.
Unfortunately no scientific research has been conducted on these subjects. These ailments have only recently been given a name. It would appear they should be given much more attention considering large numbers of males of all ages are afflicted with them. At this time the only known, sure fire way, to overcome PFS, FHS & PFD is to give up football cold turkey, in other words abstinence. I do believe that a government grant for the study of these ailments would be in order. Maybe there is some chance treatment can be paid for under the Affordable Healthcare Act. I am sure a lawyer will be able to find something in the fine print of 2500+ pages that would justify treatment for these disorders. Until a cure is found all one can do is treat the symptoms or practice abstinence. Fortunately I only know of these conditions from what I have been told never having personally experienced any of them.