We are a month into the football season and as the air fills with the crisp chill of autumn, we expect certain changes in the landscape around us.
The leaves change colors, TV starts to get good again in prime time, Target starts carrying Christmas decorations sending me spiraling into season-affective disorder.
…oh yeah, and tailgating. I sometimes drifts in and out, but this is about tailgating.
For those not used to this tradition, there are certain unwritten etiquette, published for the first time here in this easy to follow guide.
Do: Bring extra beer for your fellow revelers.
Don’t: Constantly refer to everyone as revelers and announce that one by one they will all by dropped by The Masque of the Red Death.
Do: Tell the local newscaster that you “bleed” your team color.
Don’t: Tell a group of proctologists that you “s***” your team color, you will miss the game due to extensive testing of your bum.
Do: Paint your face in your team colors.
Don’t: Paint your newborn infant child your team colors to make sure they grow up liking the right team, and not those SOB players from the state next to you that have never done anything to you personally.
Do: Bring meat to grill.
Don’t: Bring vegan patties and proceed to tell everyone how meat is murder and that they need to watch the same documentary you watched the night before on Netflix that changed your life and opened your eyes.
Do: Bring up valid points as to why your team is likely to win.
Don’t: Claim that if your team loses, it is because God hates you and that nothing ever goes right, you have a dead end job, your wife is always complaining, your kids are kind of funny looking and the one thing you look for every week as a reprieve from the constant pain of life is an eternal letdown.
Do: Wear the jersey of your favorite current player or former player of distinguished career.
Don’t: Wear a Favre jersey…what? I’m Minnesotan and I don’t care what he pulled off in the 2009 season, he did a cross-body throw when we were in field goal range.
Do: Learn your team chants and cheers.
Don’t: Learn claim that you know the sign language version of the cheer then proceed to flip the bird to any child wearing the other team’s jersey.
Well, you’re ready. Seriously, that’s all you need to know.