I am struggling to find the right words here for my recommendations. Okay. If you have an enemy who just found out that she is pregnant, anonymously send this to her. If you secretly hate your sister, it is the perfect gift for her during her pregnancy. A pregnant coworker got the promotion and it should have been yours? This is the perfect book to leave on her desk. In short, this book is for anyone who wants to be terrified of their pregnancy. If you are pregnant now and have a hankering to read this book, wait until after the birth of your baby! Trust me on this. First-time mothers will be terrified of the entire pregnancy from the first trimester on after reading this book. I have a feeling Jenny McCarthy is going to hate me for this review! This book could have been a good one…but is not. It is not funny, informational, nor helpful. Thankfully it is short.
”Belly Laughs” is marketed as frank revelations about pregnancy in down-to-earth tones that women have never spoken to each other about. I have never been pregnant, so I have no first-hand experience with it, but I saw no information in this book that I did not have before reading the book. I am not a huge fan of Jenny McCarthy, but I am a huge fan of comedy, humor, and laughter in general. This book did not have me in stitches. I barely cracked a smile through this book. My thoughts while reading it were: disgusting, yuck, bad language, who curses like this?, why?, gross, disgusting, ewww, finally! Jenny McCarthy wrote this book as if she hated being pregnant. Only once did she say anything remotely close to being happy about being pregnant and having a baby. The other times she is complaining, whining, and describing in the most crude, disgusting way everything that happened to her body while pregnant.
What did I like about this book? The titles and subtitles were creative such as this one…wait, I have to find one that does not have cursing in it…”Hands Off, Dude! (Strangers Touching Your Belly).” Those were very creative and imaginative. The ones that are not vulgar. What I do not like is the amount of cursing. Just about every page has some curse word on it, some pages are filled with cursing. The other pages are crude, vulgar, and way over the top describing the grossest things possible. Really, who else is looking at their swollen vagina in a mirror at 9-months pregnant or watching themselves orgasm in a mirror while pregnant and masturbating? Who does that? This is not a good book for the coffee table! This is not a book to read around your mother!
In this book, Jenny McCarthy talks about her pregnancy. Not the good parts. Only the bad, the ugly, and the gross. She rants through every chapter about every little part of pregnancy. You will find very short chapters, some not even two pages. Thankfully, there are no pictures of all that she describes in the book! Let me tell you now what she covers in this book.
First chapter: “So you got knocked up?” This chapter is Jenny McCarthy saying she is going to make you laugh and scare the (curse word) out of you …you get the idea.
Second chapter: “Honey, your sperm really did work.” She goes into them having sex to try to get pregnant here. Sexual positions and all. Her hunger level the first month of pregnancy and the positive pregnancy test.
Third chapter: “Barf-o-rama.” Her aversion to food and other gross things are covered….title says it all.
Fourth chapter: “Niagara in my Pants.” This is the vaginal discharge chapter and how many panties she went through.
Fifth chapter: “Psycho Chick.” Lots of bad language used here describing her own mood swings.
Sixth chapter: “Holy (bad word), I think I Hard-Boiled My Baby!” An elderly woman tells her that she should not be in a hot tub while pregnant, and she calls her doctor to find out if this is true. It is.
Seventh chapter: “Granny Panties” Her g-string got too little and she had to resort to granny panties. Oh, the horror!
Eighth chapter: “I can Either Pee on You or You Can Get the (curse word) out of my way).” Urinating frequently caused her to get really upset and pee on the side of the road.
Ninth chapter: “Passing Stonehenge.” This chapter she tells about her constipation and trips to the doctor. Her gynecologist sends her to a specialist who removes some feces to smell it. That is right. It is in this chapter.
Tenth Chapter: “Is it a penis or vagina?” She had an amniocentesis done here and finds out that she is having a healthy boy.
Eleventh chapter: “Can I Have a Mustard Sandwich with Pickles, Anchovies, Peanut Butter, and a Little Cottage Cheese…Oh and Throw a Few Fish Sticks on There!” This chapter is all about Jenny McCarthy’s cravings and wanting every food that she saw on commercials.
Twelfth chapter: “Where in the (bad word) Can I Find a Muumuu?” Everyone begged her not to do it, but she insisted on wearing a comfortable muumuu and nothing else in her ninth month of pregnancy.
Thirteenth chapter: “Freddy Krueger Ain’t Got Nothing On Me!” Her dreams include one of taking the baby out of her belly and playing with him, then sewing herself back up.
Fourteenth chapter: “Is That an Apple on Your Rectum, Or Are You Just Happy to See me?” After being so constipated, she develops hemmoroids and goes to the hospital to be given stool softeners.
Fifteenth chapter: “Hi, Porn Star!” Jenny McCarthy weighs her heavy boobs in this chapter and they weigh 10-pounds.
Sixteenth Chapter: “Ready and Squeeze…Your Kegels” She describes Kegel exercises and what she was doing while doing Kegels.
Seventeenth chapter: “Well, It’s Not 1972 Any More” This is a chapter about weight gain and all of the elderly women telling her that she is gaining too much weight while pregnant. Lots of bad language here.
Eighteenth chapter: “Did A Sewer Tank Explode…” Jenny talks about her smelly gas and stomach problems.
Ninteenth chapter: “Hands Off, Dude.” People wanted to touch her belly.
Twentieth chapter: “I Can’t See! I’m Bleeding! I can’t Stand It!” This is a compilation of various subjects such as leg cramps, blurred vision, bloody noses, and varicose veins.
Twenty-first chapter: “www.ihavetostopbuyingbaby(badword).” Author purchased a gazillion baby products online and her husband complained.
Twenty-second chapter: “Is it hot in here or is it just me…It’s just Me.” Sweating issues covered here.
Twenty-third chapter: “Oh oh oh ohhhh!! I’ll Take Another One of Those, Please!” Not much sex in this chapter, but much orgasm talk.
Twenty-fourth chapter: “The Crying Game.” Author describes melting down and crying over anything.
Twenty-Fifth chapter: “So, Anyway, Like I was Saying..What was I saying?” Forgetfulness during pregnancy covered here shortly; maybe she did not remember much from this period.
Twenty-sixth chapter: “Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Who’s the Prettiest Pregnant Lady of them all? Clearly Not You, Lady!” The author’s face developed rosacea during pregnancy and she had a bad rash.
Twenty-seventh chapter: “It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! …No it’s a Really Swollen Pregnant Lady!” She swells all over her body and describes this.
Twenty-eighth chapter: “The McRib Sandwich.” She was having bad back pain so bought a new mattress. When that did nothing, but hurt her husband’s back, she went to a chiropractor who told her that she had popped out two ribs. After he popped them back in, she felt better.
Twenty-ninth chapter: “Headaches.” Less than one page on headaches so bad she wanted to cut her head off.
Thirtieth chapter: “That Ain’t My (curse word).” This describes her cellulite and how much pregnancy added to her body.
Thirty-first chapter: “No, Not Yet. I am not ready for this yet!” Braxton Hicks contractions sent her to the hospital (after her doctor told her it was too early and to have a drink!?!?) and put her on self-directed bedrest.
Thirty-second chapter: “Poopin’ On The Table.” This describes at length stories of women she knows that pooped on the table as they delivered their babies. She also describes her fear of pooping while giving birth.
Thirty-third chapter: “The Blue Twinkies” Description of her swollen labia and how disgusted she is by it here. She also talks about how she likes to be bare there and let it grow out while pregnant.
Thirty-fourth chapter: “Die, Model (cursing), Die.” She is so shallow that she is jealous of models on TV while she is pregnant and includes scenes of her fighting with her husband about him looking at models when the author is pregnant.
Thirty-fifth chapter: “OOOH! I Think I Felt the Baby move…or Maybe It’s Just Gas.” This is the baby kicking chapter!!
Thirty-sixth chapter: “Organizing Freak.” The author gets into a cleaning groove and is moving heavy furniture around (not a good idea while pregnant.)
Thirty-seventh chapter: “Breathing for Dummies.” This chapter is only about her playing hooky from lamaze.
Thirty-eighth chapter: “What the (cursing) Are These?” She describes what stretch marks are and where she got them.
Thirty-ninth chapter: “I Just Need to Lie Down for, like, Five Minutes…Okay Maybe Three Months.” The author experienced extreme tiredness for a while during her first trimester and her third.
Fortieth chapter: “Pig in the Pasture.” She has sex once during her pregnancy, when she is in her ninth month. She tells all, including what position.
Forty-first chapter: “The Moment of Truth.” Finally, we get a little emotion out of the author in this chapter as she goes into labor. Only after she books herself a hair appointment and actually sits there in labor the whole time until her hair is perfect for pictures! She considers an enema prior to going to the hospital as she is afraid of embarrassing herself by pooping in front of everyone. After an epidural and some pushing later on, the doctor decides that she is too tired to push the baby out. The baby is delivered by Cesarean section. The baby was lifeless and needed oxygen, but then started breathing on his own.
Forty-second chapter: “Let Me Repeat.” This is her “list of husband no-no’s.” A list of eight directives including not looking at other women or she might kill you. The list is the same as the book, in first person speech.
This book tells every gross detail of one woman’s pregnancy and was written by a former Playboy model and now actress. ”Belly Laughs: The Naked Truth About Pregnancy and Childbirth” was not for me. I do not care for crude humor, nor as much cursing as she does in this book. Having a baby should be a joyful time, but reading this book, you would think being pregnant is a horrible, horrible experience.
As I said, I am a big fan of humor and comedy. I am not such a big fan of gross humor so that could be why I did not see the humor in this book. Possibly, if you are into that, you might like it!
My disclaimer: You are at this moment reading a review about ”Belly Laughs” from someone who has never been pregnant, a person only looking for humorous books to read in the library and picked this one up.
More from this contributor:
Jenny McCarthy’s Crude Take on Motherhood: ‘Baby Laughs: The Naked Truth About the First Year of Mommyhood’
A Review of ‘Louder Than Words: A Mother’s Journey in Healing Autism’ by Jenny McCarthy