Peeing on a stick and discovering that you may be pregnant can be a life changing moment, for many a pleasant one; for others, like myself it was terrifying. As I sat there trying to wrap my head around the inevitable turn my life had taken I realized I wasn’t where I wanted to be, more successful, higher paid, in a bigger house, having finished my degree, world traveler, thinner, married, famous, and in a better place in general. All of my dreams seemed to be slipping away as the little blue lines appeared in that little window. I broke down into hysterical sobbing. In that moment I felt as if my life was over.
It took nearly two hours for my boyfriend to calm me down enough to even begin to explain what was wrong, All I could do was point to the stick on the bathroom counter, and as he peered into the bathroom and found the pregnancy tests sitting so sadly on the counter (yes, I took multiple tests in an effort to find some sort of mistake in the outcome), he came over to me crumpled on the sofa wiping snot and tears from my swollen face and smiled. He had already known why I was so upset and was perplexed by the thought that I wouldn’t be as ecstatic as he was about this new life that was growing inside my belly. He began to calm me down and help me to see the silver lining (as if there was one at that moment).
He began to list all of the new experiences we would have as a new family the trips we could take with our child, the adventures, and the new love we would have in our lives. Even after his exuberant explanations of the possible future I was still, to say the least, very apprehensive of this change that was going to occur. I was afraid of the loss of the dreams and life experiences that I would be missing out on, the changes my body would be making in the next nine months, and all of the pain that I might have to endure during birth to bring this child into the world. Not to mention the world I might be bringing this child into. I was completely overwhelmed by the effect all of this would have on my life and this child.
It only took one call from my mom to help put all of this into a clearer perspective; she told me “you cannot stop life from happening, live your life and don’t worry about the things you cannot control. Be happy. I am. I will finally have the one thing I have always wanted — a grandchild.”
The proverbial light went on in my head, and I realized I can’t control all of the things in the world, and nothing will ever be perfect, but what I can control is how I choose to see this new life, either as a curse or a blessing. To tell you the truth, the moment I heard my baby’s heartbeat for the first time and saw this innocent being moving inside me, I realized what a blessing this baby would be. Now what I worry about is whether or not my child will be healthy and have 10 fingers and toes, or of that hamburger I just ate had some horrible bacteria in it. But I guess I will have to get used to worrying, because isn’t that what moms do?