Happiness is something everyone is striving to obtain. I believe it is commonly known that in order to achieve this it requires certain steps to becoming whole as a person. Learning to love you, the world around you and while trying to find balance within yourself. I myself have been on a quest to walk the ultimate path. My goal being to find and achieve love in all of its forms at once, the love of God, altruism, maternal love, erotic love and love of self.
Everyone, it seems has a driving need and desire to become whole, as a person, as a soul. Some people try to find it alone, some with other people. However, what is the true way? I believe that truth is there is no exact way, so long as were changing, growing, and not resisting transformation, you are on the correct path to becoming the whole person you desire.
One definitive truth about love I have learned is that it is impossible to truly love another unless you love yourself. In the past few months, I have withdrawn from the dating scene in order to find balance within myself. I had not been single since I was fifteen and being thirty-seven, I felt it necessary to learn to be alone with myself. In this last and final relationship that I desire I decided that no matter what, I would not settle for anything less than the right relationship for me. I would not compromise certain attributes that I need the other person to have in order to be finally fulfilled. I will not allow anyone to love me less than I love myself… and that is a lot.
Only just recently, I have found through much soul-searching that I am ready to enter into my final, lasting relationship. Through this, I have discovered myself to be in yet another experience to be learned about life. I do not expect a perfect person. I accept my partner will make mistakes and I hope he will do with me as well. However, I have found myself asking the question of how to be able to obtain the passionate, fiery, and intensely loving relationship without losing parts of myself that I have so deeply cultivated within myself.
Quite often than not even the most balanced person can find themselves being lost in a relationship that is filled with passion and magnetic attraction… discovering themselves drowning in a gambit of deeply powerful emotions and struggling to not come off as some crazy person. Well it seems like no matter how hard I have strived to become this “perfect” person, or as perfect as a person can become I have fallen prey to this scheme.
My first attempt I intended on taking it slow and letting things develop in their own time. I wanted to make sure the person was going to be right before becoming attached. I met someone online who at the time lived in Tennessee. I lived there as well and I lived only two hours away. How convenient I thought. I wondered if there was anything to that. Then about a month later, he informed me he planned on moving. Not wanting to become anymore attached I stopped perusing him. About three weeks later, I found myself in a situation where I was needed to help a friend in West Virginia. I thought, how funny would it be if he ended up moving to West Virginia? Consequently, I messaged him. I asked him if he had moved and informed him, I had moved to West Virginia. He messaged me back telling me he had indeed moved to West Virginia three days after I did. While I was debating on if I should meet this man, I asked friends what they thought about the situation. They all said, “It sounds like fate.” We started talking again, and before we knew it, we found ourselves wanting to meet. We had talked about everything we thought we needed to talk about before meeting. From the very beginning, I kept finding things that made us very compatible. The connection was there… intense passion. We met. The connection was indescribable, an explosion of energy and emotions. I fell hard and fast.
We spent four wonderful days together. I was so at peace with him. I had things I never had with anyone with him. I guess I made the mistake of telling him. Our relationship was short lived. He decided to start going to college and that it would be too difficult to maintain and relationship long distance while going to school. I cannot really blame him. Nevertheless, this tore me apart. It still is. I honestly am at a loss. I think that perhaps the connection was too intense to maintain long distance. Maybe it scared him. He seemed to close up and put up a wall. Maybe it was too intense for him and it scared him. It scared me too. But isn’t this what I was looking for? Is this not what everyone wants? I do not understand how someone could pass something like this up for school. I do not understand how we could not do both.
He did end up wronging me as well and feel it is too personal to put here. However, I did share with him some choice words. I was angry. I wanted to fight for this love. How could I just let it go? I could not but I keep trying. My soul keeps hanging on though; my heart will not listen to my mind.
Something I have noticed about myself is no matter how much I try I can never stay angry with someone if I have loved that person, it seems like no matter what I always seem to default back to that point given enough time. Some may see it as a weakness. Sometimes it feels like a weakness. However, in the end I think that I will find it to be a strength. Regardless, it leaves me wanting to fix past conflicts with people I have loved.
I think I will always love him. I find myself looking out the door hoping he will magically appear and tell me how he realizes now how stupid he was behaving and ask me to forgive him. I keep hoping he will contact me and tell me that he valued the passion we had together, and now knows he could not let it pass him by. At this time, I have found myself to be at an impasse. I have found the only thing you can change is yourself. The only control you can have is over yourself, and that is not always the case when it comes to matters of the heart.
Within the struggle to become the perfect person, I have discovered that part of becoming perfect is accepting that I am not perfect. I am not infallible no matter how enlightened I may become. I am subject to make mistakes and relapses and it does not necessarily mean that I am reverting to the imperfect person; I had idealized myself to previously be. However, that it is part of the growing process in becoming a better person.
Even though I am hurt, I am sure he is hurting too. Maybe he will come around. Maybe he will not. Nonetheless, we continue to learn and grow… and is that not why we are here? For now, I suppose I will just have to settle for the love of self, love of God, maternal love and altruism. It is funny how we can have all of these amazing things and still not totally feel complete. Most people think having everything requires material and money and that is what brings happiness. I know the truth of what really matters in life, and I believe it is what you can take with you when you die. The material things mean nothing without true love. I am grateful for everything I have learned and have however, who does not want to have it all?