Wake Up Late
When I first became unemployed, I continued to wake up at an hour in which employed people usually start their day. That was a big mistake. As an unemployed person, you must remember that you have absolutely nothing to do all day and not much is on television at 7am except the boring part of the Today Show before the ladies who drink mojitos. It’s in your best interest to wake up around 10:30 or 11 when all the productive people are at work so you don’t accidentally catch sight of them heading to their jobs, which will make you question if maybe you should hop on Monster.com rather than what you were planning to do, which was Facebook stalk your elementary school classmates and eat three to six toaster waffles.
Try to Put on Pants by the Time the Mailman Gets There
A fun challenge to keep your mind sharp between browsing sale items at Forever21.com and reminiscing about the 90s on Buzzfeed.
Go to the Gym by Three
The best part of being unemployed is that you can go to the gym at three in the afternoon when it is completely empty except for the elderly, physically motivated truants, and other unemployed people. Also, going to the gym early means you can make it to Happy Hour with your employed friends and still feel as though you deserve that half price glass of Merlot because you slowly ellipticaled through the last fifteen minutes of Ellen and half of Dr. Phil.
Resist Buying Hair Products You Don’t Need at Target
This is a hard one since many hours of your day are probably already taken up by aimlessly wandering around large stores and as an unemployed person without much else to occupy your mind, you’re probably thinking a lot about if you hair looks stupid like this, has it always looked stupid, why didn’t anyone tell you it looked stupid, and if you should get bangs. The first week I was unemployed I bought a deep conditioning system, a Hello Kitty shower cap, two different types of hairspray, and a set of hot rollers. My student debt remains untouched.
Limit Posts About Your Cats on Social Media to One to Two a Week
Even though deep down you are probably aware that nobody cares if your cat is sitting on the couch in a position that looks like she’s watching television or has fallen asleep upside down in a sunbeam, as an unemployed person it is sometimes hard to distinguish between interesting content that involves your feline companion and simply highlighting the only mammalian social interaction you’ve had all day. I find that the 1-2 rule keeps people in the real world from making disheartening comments at dinner parties like “Wow, you sure like cats” and/or soliciting minor veterinary advice.