I used to have a very hard time with life. I often have felt encroached upon in many ways. I found it very difficult to refuse a request. Over time, requests became demands and demands became foregone conclusions about the who, what, where and when of my existence in this world.
Needless to say, it was painful because nobody respects a “doormat.” It has been my experience that “doormats” have more things done to them rather than for them. Sometimes people, place and things were drawn to me because of the energy I put out. Energy, in this case, meant my state of mind, attitude and beliefs about myself. I just wanted to be known as a nice, respectable young lady. But the truth of what I felt inside — low self-esteem, a sense of inferiority, insecurity, fear, intimidation, self-loathing and desperate loneliness — are just some of the common denominators by which the energy I was emanating managed to attract what, I thought, must have been every fool in the universe! It led to prolonged seasons of poor decision-making in my life. Putting up with people, places and things that were quite literally draining the life out of me. I got tired of it. I wanted to know why this was happening to me. After much soul searching, I found out. What I didn’t know was who God says I am and how to carry myself in that context.
I Am Fearfully and Marvelously Made
I now believe, with every fiber of my being:
- That the quality of who I am is of superior value
- That the depth of the quality of who I am will likely cause fear in others
- That the worth of who I am won’t allow circumstance to dictate my attitude, but rather, my attitude will dictate circumstance
I Don’t have To take This
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7 KJV) Being of sound mind infers stability. It’s not possible for me be stable and allow myself to be victimized over and over again. Predators come and go but what has to remain is my mind. I will not allow myself to be easily shaken; to be reduced to unfettered horror by which I submit to being bound in servitude through categorization by others.
Blood in the Water
In a capitalistic society, I find it most imperative to embrace this belief to the point of conviction. No matter where I’ve gone or who I’ve been with, there’s always an “evaluation” of who I am. Whether I’m talking to a friend who wants a favor or some guy who wants to sell me a car; the perpetual sizing up is always there. It’s the cornerstone of all sales strategies.
Without clarity in thought of the quality of who I am as a human being and how to carry myself in that context throughout day to day life, I’ll always be somebody’s victim. This relieves me of the temptation of worrying about what anybody thinks of me. I’m not about being cold or unfeeling, I’m just free to be me. Anything less is like blood in the water to the sharks. They will come no matter what; only now, they don’t win.