Life is about connecting with others. Life is about finding a purpose. Life is about sharing love, laughter, and joy with others. Life is about finding shortcuts into doing as little as possible at work all day long.
I believe I have personally perfected the art of doing nothing at work all day and making it look as if I do twice as much as anyone else. Here are my tips on how you too can spend the work day doing nothing at all.
This is a two-step process and must go in the order displayed or else you will find yourself perusing Craigslist at three in the morning and getting angry at how little experience you have.
Step 1 – Work Really Hard:
If you want to be able to slack off in the future and keep your job, you have to work really hard when you first start. First impressions are vital and you need to spend the beginning doing extra work. This usually only takes about a month at the most, but after that if you have proven you can work hard and get things done you should be good for the rest of your time employed.
Step 2 – Do Nothing At All:
The final step is doing nothing. Well, you can never keep a job doing absolutely nothing, unless you are the boss. Things get a little complicated here. You have to put work into not working and making it look like you work hard. This is a lot easier than working hard, which is why we choose to slack off instead. Now I want to present to you the different tactics you can use to specifically get away with doing the bare minimum at work.
1) The Excel File Trick
Excel is by far my favorite Microsoft Office program. When you fill up an Excel file with as much text as possible, it can look convoluted and confusing. When your boss’s eyes pass by they don’t even want to take the time to figure out what you’re doing. As long as they see something on the screen that isn’t blank, they will assume you are hard at work. Always have as many Excel files open as you can. This is great for hiding other open windows behind it. Unlike Microsoft Word, Excel is a lot more scrambled and takes longer to figure out what is going on. I recommend this trick whenever you feel like looking up song lyrics or checking your fantasy football scores without getting caught. The real beauty of Excel is that it could take hours to actually set up a file too, at least according to your boss who knows nothing about computers. This is a trick you can use daily and it always works, unlike you who barely does.
2) Never Say “I’m Finished”
When your boss assigns you a project that has no particular deadline, never tell them you are finished. Do you know what happens after you finish? You get assigned something new to do. Do you know what happens when there is nothing new to do? You get laid off. This is more about job security than anything else. The only time you should let your boss know you finished something is at the beginning of the next day or like I said, if there was a particular deadline. It’s important that you meet deadlines at all costs. Think in terms of dismantling a bomb in a movie. If you cut the wire with 3 minutes and 26 seconds left, you saved a lot of lives. If you cut the wire with 1 second left, you still saved a lot of lives. Cut the wire of the assigned project as late as possible. Your boss will appreciate that you did everything on time and worked hard at just getting it in on time. Of course we both know the truth is you finished it days ago, but your boss was on a three hour lunch break anyway so who cares about honesty?
3) Make Underachieving Promises
Many times your boss may ask you when something will get finished. Before they leave for the day at eleven in the morning to start their week-long vacation early, your boss may come over to you and ask when you can finish something they have handed you. What should you say? If you know you can get it done by the end of the day, you should tell them that you will be able to finish it by the end of the following day. Always give yourself more time than you will actually need. You need to factor in all that time spent on Reddit looking up cat memes you have planned. You need your boss to think you may not get something done in a timely manner. Then you actually do the work, finish in plenty of time, and you blow them away by your hard work. An actual conversation might go something like this:
Boss – “Can you update all of the files in the system for me?”
You – “Sure.”
Boss – “When do you think it will be done by?”
You – “Probably by the end of today. I hope.”
Boss – “Great. No rush at all.”
And then you get it done by the end of that day. I have created an equation for you to fully understand this process.
(Time It Will Actually Take) x 4 = When You Say It Will Be Done By
(When You Say It Will Be Done By) / 2 = When You Tell Your Boss It Is Finished
So if something will take 8 hours, you say it will be done in 32 hours or approximately 4 work days. Not thinking a project assigned Monday morning will be finished until the end of Thursday, you end up blowing the boss away by letting them know at the beginning of Wednesday that you have finished.
4) The 2/4/2 System
This is the standard work process. The first two hours you slack off. The middle four hours you put in the most effort. The last two hours are slack off hours again. You can mix these up slightly, but the middle should always be the largest number. The middle of the work day is when the boss pays the most attention. They have checked all of their emails and are less likely to show sympathy, a messy divorce can do that to a person. By the time the middle of the day comes they are angry with the way their life has turned out. In the morning they think today might be the day their life turns around and by the end of the day they are just happy to get out of there. Find out what works for you and your boss. You are in this slacking off at work thing together.
5) Say “Yes” When Asked To Do Something
It helps to agree to help out your boss in any way you can. When you are asked to do a task, say you will. Nothing good will come from not wanting to do something at work. You will be seen as a positive hard-worker and this is great for job security. You might be asking yourself how this helps you not do anything at work. When you are the only person who knows how to do something then you can take as long as you need to do it. Your value goes way up and you really are irreplaceable. Most of all, it’s good karma. If you agree to help out your boss as much as possible, the day you finally do get caught slacking off, it will not be a big deal. Know that one day you will get caught. The real key is to have enough of a history working hard for it not to matter.
Keep in mind if you choose to slack off at work that you are responsible for any consequences that may arise. You should always respect your employers and put forth a valiant effort. At the same time, never stress yourself out over going above and beyond what is demanded of you if there is no reward. Use common sense at all times. If your boss tells you to get something done immediately, get it done. Log off Facebook, close out of the podcast you are listening to, and do what you were hired to do, bore yourself to death.