As many of us know, saying that you’re sorry can be one of the most difficult things to do. The thought of saying, “I am sorry,” seems to be one of the most daunting acts of verbiage for an incredible amount of people. In fact, more people out there than one might realize they would rather run for the hills and hide under a rock than to utter these simple words.
My response to that? What a bunch of hogwash. I mean, come on, people, how hard could it be to articulate the three simple words, I am sorry? I have to wonder if those who struggle with this are somehow brain-damaged or perhaps they were locked in an old refrigerator for far too long when they were a kid. For the love of all that’s good in the world, people; the first two words are merely one syllable a piece, and then the final word is just two simple syllables. Come on, now; do you people really need some sort of face crutch? Sure, if your face was bashed in by a stampede of elephants, then maybe, just maybe, saying something requiring a significant amount of lip movement might be somewhat problematic, particularly if the lips were severely injured by one of those big, flat feet, but otherwise…stop being such a panty-waist whiner! Cowboy up or stay out of the way of elephants!
But because it seems an inordinate amount of people are somehow simple, everyday phrasing speech impaired, this humble and dazzlingly brilliant writer is here to help.
What you will need: A face and mouth that has not been recently trampled by elephants.
Now, I can’t help but to wonder how hard it is to utter the word, I, but you know? It seems that some people just have to make every little task in life an arduous task. So, for those who have to live within the bat cave of pathetic drama, let’s try this- open your mouth (without drooling on yourself, if you think you can manage it) and then go, “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…”
If you hang out in any corner asylum or lawyer’s office, one is sure to come across plenty of people making this ridiculous sound. But, for the sake of pretending we know our way (hey, even vegetation knows where the sun is, freak) out of the average restroom, I suppose I should request that you give this a try.
Without any drooling, thank you so very much.
Okay, it seems sounding as though one was kicked in the head by an elephant doesn’t appear too difficult. Yeah, I was also thinking that wonders never cease.
Now, follow the above-mentioned sound with the mouth slightly closed and elongated (look it up) in order to create a sound something like, “Aieeeeeeeeee…”
Yes, everyone keep practicing all of these things, preferable out in the hall when all the hot chicks from the modeling agency upstairs walk past in order to catch the Greek Yogurt truck.
Once everyone has this down to a point where they can do this without requiring some sort of oxygen support, we’re going to move on from this. But, I ask that you shorten the enunciation (look it up) so that you’re sounding as though you’re saying the word, I, on purpose and with a degree of comprehension (look that one up, too).
Wow, most of you did this and only one of you needs a new shirt on. Perhaps I should play the numbers. Okay, onto the then next word, which is a two-letter word spelled like this: am.
Now, this one should be rather simple when compared to saying the word, I, because it starts out similarly to the other word, with the, “Uhhhhhhhhh,” but it would help if you pinch yourself on the neck with something, like a pair of pliers or tongs, which should prompt more of a sound similar to, “Ahhhhhhhh…”
A few of you should wipe your chin. You know who you are.
Okay, once you’ve managed to make this sound, then simply close your mouth within a half a second or so after you state the word, but keep humming for the remainder of the second.
Wow guys, it looks like we’ll be moving down into the aeronautical engineering laboratory within the hour! Now, don’t feel bad; a sense of humor often comes with lingual skills and some character development, and that’s why we’re here. Okay, let’s focus, people, because we’re almost there. We have a basic understanding of how to say the first two words of this rather simple three-word sentence, so I am actually gaining a smidge of confidence that we’ll have at least a few of you saying, “I am sorry,” before the weekend!
Before, we learned how to say the word, I, and it appears that at least a few of you worked that out with some semblance of competency (you could look it up, but I can’t see why any of you would bother), so there might be a chance this one last word shouldn’t prove too grueling. We’ll almost start out the same way we did before…
Yes, yes, yes, just like that, but I ask that you place your tongue to the top of your mouth, meaning the roof of the inside of your mouth, sir, and create the sounds you might often hear a snake makes. There you go, my little geniuses, just like that. Keep it up; I want to make sure everyone gets in plenty of practice before we move on. Now combine the two sounds.
Now, that’s the ticket! Pretty soon we might actually be able to go out into public with no escorts, leashes or helmets! Really, kids; give yourselves a round of applause! Yeah, do that while practicing this first part of the word. No, you look just like the rocket science class, you really do.
Okay, believe it or not, we’re actually to where all of this comes home. We are about to provide the last moment of instruction, thereby providing all the information required to say that momentous phrase. Now, I have every confidence that many of you know how to enunciate the word, refrain. Perhaps there is a chance that the first syllable of this word is occasionally uttered twice when people call to you from across the playground, but that’s just a quick guess. Anyhoo, that first syllable is our target sound for this one last segment of today’s lesson. What you’ll want to do is combine the sound we aggravated the passersby with moments ago, with the first syllable of any word beginning with the prefix, re.
And to think they warned me that we might need to contact the authorities in the event someone might go off the rails in here. I mean, you people have this down like a cat has the red laser dot. Okay, now we’re going to put all of this together. Okay? And…action!
“Ahhhhaiieeeeeee Aaaahhhhmmmmm Ssssaaahhhrrreeeeeee…”
Okay, my band of intellectual dynamos, say it even faster! There you go, faster yet! I think you got it! Yeah, you do! But not like I do, now that I’m wondering how my life placed me at this point. But hey, now we know how to say, “I am sorry,” and that is such an important thing to be able to say, particularly when you possess the coordination such as possessed by most of you.
Oh, and for those of you who have read this up to now (that’s like way more than 1,200 words, so…Oooooo!), before you start with the attitude that I’m the primary source of the bilabial fricative that makes everyone in a class like this snicker and yuck yuck, just keep it in mind that I didn’t coax you to this point. No, you ended up here all by yourself. So, before you start throwing around accusations, maybe you might want to think about that next time.