I found myself in not one but two relationships with men who were Narcissistic control freaks. In my first abusive relationship I was not even permitted to ask questions about finances or speak freely as to my own feelings. In fact, I had to stifle all my feelings to keep peace. One time I asked my abuser why he was so strict with our oldest son! He then immediately started hitting me repeatedly on the head and face with an open hand! He claimed that using his open hand was not abuse. However, he did break my nose when his ring hit it which I never had looked at out of shame and fear. My abuser used my love for Christ and Christian legalism not only to control me but to keep me from leaving.
One other incident among dozens that I will elaborate on is when my abuser accidentally broke my guitar. I could not help but cry because I was brain washed into believing that we were very poor so I went into the other room and cried. My tears were met with intense anger and from that point on I never cried in front of my abuser ever again. Even to this day I cannot bring myself to cry in front of others except for only tears of joy!!
I apologize that I cannot go into all the incidences or give more specific details but I must protect the innocent. I can however make this next statement which rings true of most women who stay in abusive relationships. The two reasons why I stayed in this relationship were because I didn’t want the stigma of divorce on my conscious and because I did not have the skills to support my children.
I did not want to live with my parents because I knew they would try to control me and my children. My exe tried to brainwash me into believing that if I left him God would never forgive me. My love for the Lord was so intense that I could not ever imagine a life without my precious Savior Jesus Christ. I did not know at that time that God would forgive me if I left my abuser!
Even the church could not help me
An elder from the church told me that I needed to learn how to trust the Lord for my safety! The elder also stated that the only ground for divorce is adultery not physical abuse. After that meeting I felt trapped and that my life was literally over!
Due to my devotion and love for the Lord I stayed in that abusive marriage. I was very determined to learn more about the Bible so that I could use my abusers ammunition against him. My sister in law made the statement that she had never seen anyone grow in the Lord so fast. Well, for me it was a race against time to learn enough to show my abuser the error of his ways. Even though I could not quote scripture like my abuser did, I knew in my heart of hearts that God did not sanction abusive relationships. Therefore, I continued in my quest to learn as much as possible about the Bible!
The day finally came when I felt I had learned enough to at least give my abuser scripture to contradict his treatment of me. This really infuriated him because he knew then that he could no longer use the Bible to try to brain wash me.
What is my point?
The point I am trying to make by unfurling some of the memories of this terror in my 20’s and early 30’s is that as an abused woman I know for a fact that if I would have had an out….any type of out I would have taken it. Jodi Arias had her own career, a vehicle and a place to live. From where I stand she was not a battered woman. If I would have had my own car, a job and a safe place to live I would have gathered my children and never returned!!!
Her defense team is trying to say that she suffered from battered woman syndrome because she was sexually exploited in that she was forced to endure a type of sex that I won’t specify here because I am a Christian but a type of sex that is demeaning to women.
However, she had this same type of sex before she even met the man she ended up stabbing close to 30 times including slashing his throat ear to ear. It is still undermined as to whether she shot him first or last! Earlier reports from HLN stated that forensics said she shot him last because no blood came from the gunshot wound due to the fact that there was no blood left in his body after slashing his throat! Jodi Arias claims she does not remember anything after the gun going off!!
A few other points I must make
I truly was not only abused but I was brainwashed and I cannot make public the degree of all the pain I suffered! I never received any type of counseling for the abuse I suffered at the hands of two different spouses, but I still remember details of my abuse!!
Furthermore due to the fact that I am a very empathetic person I replay vivid details of anything I ever did that was wrong. I still can’t forgive myself for spanking one of my children out of fear and anger even though my child has forgiven me and tells me to stop saying I’m sorry!!!
You see, it was not even in my upbringing to spank my children but I feared that my abuser would have done far worse if I had not done so! Yet I still cannot forgive myself for allowing my abuser to brainwash me! I have forgiven both of my abusers since then but I hold myself to much higher standards then what I would hold others.
If I would have stabbed someone even in the act of self defense I would never be able to forgive myself let alone forget it. When my former abuser hit me all I could do was think of where to run and hide until his temper cooled.
So tell me this!!
How could Jodi Arias really have forgotten about stabbing someone close to 30 times??? Also, where is her empathy??? Being a battered woman does not erase empathy from ones soul. I just hope the real truth comes out!! That being said, I have confidence due to the 250 questions the jury is now asking Jodi that they are indeed seekers of the truth! This trial is helping me regain confidence in our criminal justice system!