The Wild Onion is a place where a multitude of college-aged people take refuge to during the late hours. The gentlemen chat with their buddies over a stiff drink as try their luck with the chicas, which more often than not results in just those guys going home together. Whereas the ladies get all prettied up and take to the dance floor to put on a show for all. However, the night goes on and suddenly one of them realizes they’ve had one too many of those complimentary drinks from the prowling spectators, and soon they are having a hardcore make out session in the middle of the crowd. Do I paint a proper picture?
Lately though, the Wild Onion has been receiving some heavy fire from locals who are banding together to express their discontent. Seventy nine year old Gretchen Bagley wanted to make her infamous cabbage stew for visiting relatives, but soon realized she was out of vegetables. With little time, Gretchen tried her first ever internet search. She specifically needed onions so she typed it in a Google search along with St. Paul. The very first link read Wild Onion and she quickly jotted down the address. She arrived there quickly and immediately noted the doorman’s confused look, which she thought to be very rude. She continued to walk inside expecting to find an arsenal of vegetables at her disposal, but what she saw instead she described as a complete nightmare. “The girls were wearing these bottoms and tops that showed oh so much skin, and the worst part of it all was the boys. They were rubbing their private areas on the girls’ backsides like a… like a cheese grater. Oh it was so terrible!”
Local food groups, especially those devoted to all organic, were also very displeased. I sat down with a spokesperson from a disclosed group at McDonald’s the other day to discuss this. As he dabbled away at his cheeseburger he told me: “Mother Nature provides us with these beautiful foods that help us connect with Her. She is ever so gracious to allow us to partake in the sweet nectar of these delicious treats. It hurts us to think that there are people and organizations out there who will take the name of this wonderful gift in vain so easily. Although onions are not beautiful on the outside, inside they provide the beauty that is Mother Nature Herself. For the Wild Onion to use this name as a portrayal of something that is not pure is an outrage. Justice will be brought!
Gretchen, the local food groups, and lawyers who claim the name Wild Onion is false advertising, which is punishable by law, have decided to team up and peacefully protest the establishment at a later date. Representatives of the Wild Onion were not available for comment.
Clarence “Golden Boy” Bennett