Spiders are filthy, vile, nasty little monsters that have no place on this planet! I hate them, hate them, hate them! If I see a spider I usually don’t kill it, I just turn and run. Leave the atrocious little thing to whatever it is doing! In fact, the mere thought of touching a spider sends shivers up my spine, and remembering this embarrassing thing that happened to me still grosses me out!
So I was visiting family down south for a few weeks, having an otherwise good time. One day, my girlfriend and I at the time were at the home alone, as everyone else had gone out. I went upstairs into the study to fetch a book when I saw it. There, perched up in the corner of the room, waiting like some hideous bird of prey, was the biggest, most disgusting spider I have seen! I have no idea what kind it was, but it looked kind of like this.
So there I am, staring down this vile creature of Hades, knees shaking. Usually I would just turn tail and run but this spider was not your typical arachnid. It was HUGE! If I let if live, it might eat one of the dogs! I had to do something. But what? Doing something would involve getting close to it, and I was afraid it would ensnare me in its webs and eat me. What to do?
So I grabbed a chair and the biggest book I could find and moved to where the spider was. I did so slowly, lest I startle it and it run away or grow wings and fly down my throat or something else equally disturbing. I stood there, saying my prayers silently, before climbing onto the chair with my weapon raised. There I waited, swallowing nervously as it stared back at me with its beady eyes, completely motionless. Suddenly, it flinched! And I lost it completely! I started slamming the book upwards repeatedly, crushing the dreadful little beast and spraying its guts and other unspeakable fluids all over the ceiling….and my shirt. But I didn’t stop! I just kept whaling at it, exoskeleton crunching the whole time.
I didn’t realize I was screaming until my girlfriend came up to see what the commotion was. I didn’t even notice her at first, as I was too busy taking a life. She said all she heard was a little girl screaming along with a violent thumbing sound. But in the end, I was victorious! The spidery gore stained the ceiling (and, again, my shirt) so badly it had to be repainted, so that should give you an indication of just what I was up against. I will stay up North from now on where the spiders rarely get bigger than the tip of my finger, thank you very much!
