It’s simple, this is where I take a quick look at every Major League Baseball team in just one sentence. Sometimes it’s a question, sometimes it’s an exclamation, sometimes it has nothing to do with anything and sometimes it’s quite sarcastic.
Listed alphabetically, for your convenience:
Arizona Diamondbacks- Brandon McCarthy is the bravest man in baseball to take the mound after last year’s horrifying liner to the face.
Atlanta Braves- Chipper Jones was overrated anyways… right???
Baltimore Orioles- Can Buck Showalter work his magic again?
Boston Red Sox- Bobby Valentine was the problem, not a bunch of whiny over-paid players.
Chicago Cubs- Starlin Castro is the man, but who else do they have?
Chicago White Sox- Robin Ventura > Ozzie Guillen Robin Ventura
Cincinnati Reds- In Joey Votto we trust!
Cleveland Indians- In Terry Francona we trust?
Colorado Rockies- Todd Helton may not be worth his recent off-field trouble.
Detroit Tigers- Can Bruce Rondon be trusted in the ninth-inning?
Houston Astros- And they thought the National League was tough.
Kansas City Royals- Is Bruce Chen still on the team?
Los Angeles Angels of Aneheim- Come to think of it, Angels in the Outfield was kind of a weird movie.
Los Angeles Dodgers- Wait, a former pro-basketball player partially owns the team and that’s a good
Miami Marlins – Is it too late to have last year’s season tickets refunded?
Milwaukee Brewers- Don’t worry Ryan Braun, apparently a runner in the sausage race tested positive for
performance enhancing drugs too.
Minnesota Twins- Joe Mauer still has his long-term deal but where’s the rest of the talent?
New York Mets- By mid-season they’ll miss the knuckle-ball so much they’ll give Tim Wakefield a call.
New York Yankees- The retirement home of former all-stars.
Oakland Athletics- When does the filming on Moneyball 2 start?
Philadelphia Phillies- Banking on Michael Young to bounce back.
Pittsburgh Pirates- Hoping to play well the entire season this time.
San Diego Padres- Do they still wear those sweet camo uniforms?
San Francisco Giants- From a loving Detroit Tiger fan, I hate you all.
Seattle Mariners- I’m not sure if they’re rebuilding or just plan on staying terrible for a few more years.
St. Louis Cardinals- See, told you we didn’t need Albert Pujols!
Tampa Bay Rays- Scaring the devil out teams since they miss having the devil in theirs.
Texas Rangers- Maybe they should have paid Josh Hamilton to stick around.
Toronto Blue Jays- Dear Miami, thanks for the World Series ring.
Washington Nationals- No innings limit, no problem!
What sentence would you choose for your team?
Ben Murphy is a freelance sports writer in Michigan.