Now that you are done laughing, let me just tell it like it happened. But first know that I am not a writer. I just need get this off my shoulders. I gave up on life, plain and simple. She held on as long as she could and I would have gave up long before she did. I stopped caring about everything, and I just wanted to drink my life away. I was ready to die. No other reason to care, except for Mikey. Our relationship was over and I knew it, I failed. When she left, I thought my world was over and I really wanted everything to end. I sent Mikey to live with grandma only so he wouldn’t see me like I was.
That was the second worst month of my life. The first, years earlier and the reason for me throwing in the towel. I learned that I can survive through the darkness. I found myself through that pain. I found out who really cared and who just acted like they cared. I hated the fact that I had to lose so many close people to get where I am today. A change of environment was necessary and I did just that. I found a fire inside. That flame has continued to grow.
Eli, you are a very special woman and I think about the time we shared and I thought I could never be happy again when you left. I forgave myself for the mistakes I made and I am responsible for what happened. I was supposed to protect and provide and I gave up. I forced you to the edge. You tried and I just wasn’t listening anymore. I will be forever grateful for having you in my life. You took care of Mikey and I without any expectations. I leaned on you, way too much. It was only a matter of time before you broke. I ask that you forgive yourself for your mistakes as well. Until you do, you will always be a prisoner of the past and you deserve better than that. Forgiveness equals freedom. Free yourself from the past. You can’t deny yourself forever.
What gives, why sexless? As of today, I have not engaged in any type of sexual encounter since Fiesta (coincidence). I know, I know. I get shit from my friends all the time. The last group of friends I told thought I was lying. They could not stop laughing. It’s true. I don’t mind being single. I am getting to know myself better and better every day. I see people who are in relationships just so they won’t be alone. They look for happiness in another person and you are supposed to find happiness in yourself, first. Everyone else should just add to your joy. I am willing to wait for the right woman. She will be a warrior and she will love squats. Where is she, I wonder? This blog is for her. This time, I won’t make the same mistakes. I will make new ones. More intelligent mistakes. I will never give up!
Who is she?
You never know when life will cut you off and send you flying in another direction. This blog will be about my journey. A 34 year old virgin? No, just really waiting for you, whoever you are. I will write you often and one day the world will know what an inspiration you are to me. You already inspire me to be the best I could ever be. That is the one thing that will never change between us.
Back to you, Eli. One day you will find yourself happy. One day you will find the strength to forgive yourself and those who hurt you. I say thank you for the time you gave me. I am really sorry that life tore us apart. Maybe we were only meant for a season and I know one day you will find that right person for you. I am sure I will too. I think this song best describes our once thought tragedy. It was a triumph and we just changed. We can’t continue to beat ourselves up about what happened. For the life of me, I could not believe we’d ever die for these sins….we were merely freshman.
It was nice to know the past but I am excited about my future. I have learned and I have grown. Pain will teach you a lot about what you are capable of. Is there someone in your life that you still have pain for? Do you really want to be free? Are you willing to forgive and move on to next step? Please share your thoughts.