The bro-culture is sometimes referred to as the bro-ture, which is kind of like the rapture but that is a story for another article entirely. What one object defines a true “bro” more than any other? Their car, or auto-bro-bile, as the case may be. Why? Real bros don’t own houses. They likely rent and have three, four, five, or six roommates. That is if they are not still living at home with ma. Now, those home-dwelling bros have the most bro-tacular cars of them all since they don’t have any real bills to pay, meaning they can bro-down all their money on their bro-ride. The 10 most bro-tastic cars all stimulate the same areas of the brain that we see in kids when they buy Hot Wheels. True bromosapiens like flashy cars with exaggerated proportions much like the child favors Tonka trucks and little “racing” cars with wings. These exaggerated and cartoon-like proportions also extend to other things favored by the modern day bromosapien, but I will discuss that in-depth in another piece that deals with the health and mating habits of the modern say bromosexual. If you’ve ever stepped into the habitat of a bromosapien, you’ve surely seen at least 10 out of 10 of the most bro-tastic cars on the road today.
American “Muscle Car”
Bros love to overcompensate. In fact, it is one of the main identifying traits of a bromosapien. Nothing screams masculinity like an American muscle car, making the Chevy Camaro, Ford Mustang, and Dodge Challenger top choices with the bro crowd. Oddly enough, most bros don’t get the SS, GT, or SRT models of these “muscle cars,” opting instead to buy the V6 models and add the decorative badges from the higher-trim models after leaving the dealership or “buy here, pay here” lot. Apparently, those bits make the cars every bit as fast as the higher-priced and more expensive to insure counterparts. Because Murika.
BMW M3 (Typically used and with a “salvage” title)
The BMW M3 is a machine that can handle track days just as well as it can handle rush hour commutes to the office. Bros don’t participate in either of the previously mentioned activities but that does not keep them from flocking to this German sport sedan. Why do they like it then? Status and “affordability.” That roundel attracts the bro-ettes like few attainable badges can and the massive depreciation of the M3 means they can own a current generation model for nearly the same entry-price as a similar vintage 335i or new-ish Camry. After the first major maintenance is required, though, the bro will likely let it go at a steep loss while telling his bro-friends something like this: “I needed something fresher, brah.” Because you can’t show off upkeep costs.
The Cadillac CTS is adorned with a large chrome wreath and crest on the grill, a symbol that has long been favored by flashy types. The fact that it is now worn by a sport sedan makes it prime for the bro who wants a luxury ride but doesn’t want to pay for the upkeep of its German and British counterparts. These vehicles depreciate heavily which also adds to their bro-factor. Add some faux-vents on the side, CTS-V badging, rimz, and a murdered out light treatment for the full bro aesthetic. A matching Cadillac tat takes the “Jersey Shore” factor to 11. Because the standard of the world, bro.
Most bros shy away from SUVs in favor of something with more speed, but the Escalade transcends those “mommy wagon” stereotypes. The Escalade even comes from the factory with vents on the front fenders, making it look like it needs room to breathe, kind of like a bro after leg day. The car is covered in chrome on the outside and decorated heavily in 1999-era Nokia faceplate-grade wood inside, making it a perfect match for the bro who wants roll seven-deep, or more, into the club. Never mind the fact that the Escalade is essentially a gussied up Chevy truck with a camper. Because rap songs.
Honda Civic Si/Acura Integra
Not all bro cars have to start out as sporty of status-based vehicles. The Civic Si and Acura Integra offer the perfect platform for customization and bros love customizing things. The Acura Integra and Honda Civic Si are fast little cars with low up-keep costs. Bros hate maintenance costs because they represent an expense that they can’t show off to others. The aftermarket business for the Integra and Civic Si is huge, allowing bros to put wings on the front-wheel drive car, fart can exhaust pipes that drone over the Benny Benassi tunes, and body kits for that crucial “Fast and the Furious” look. Wait for the VTEC to kick in, bro! Because VTEC, bro.
Infiniti G35/G37 Coupe – Nissan 350Z/370Z
The Nissan 350Z and the newer 370Z are really big with bros from all habitats. They’re sports cars with slightly flashy styling and a relatively strong record of reliability. Remember that bros hate paying high maintenance and service costs since they can’t flaunt the expense; why spend money if others can’t see what it bought, right? For the slightly more uppity bro, the Infiniti G35 and G37 are the go-to choice. These models offer all of the performance of the Nissan models but with more lugzhuree amenities and that lugzhuree badge. True bros replace the model badging of the Nissan models with GTR or Skyling badging and then add some NISMO decals for extra bro flair. Because JDM, bro.
The Jeep Wrangler is an attractive vehicle to many different demographics but the bro has a particular love for this off-road machine. Bros are attracted to the rugged nature of the vehicle with its big wheels, elevated ride height, muscular looks, and off-road capability. What bros really like about the Jeep Wrangler is how women like them and we all know that everything a bro does is done in pursuit of bro-ettes. Women love riding in Jeeps with the top off and men love taking them for rides in them. In some areas it is a very common sight to see a bro’s tribal tatted arm hanging out the driver’s side door as his best bro and a bunch of bro-ettes enjoy the Asher Roth blasting from the speaker bar. Because they can all see how jacked and tan I am, bro.
Boys will be boys and bros will be bros. Bros love lifted bro-trucks. Never mind that these lifted trucks make it nearly impossible to load anything into the bed, it’s not like these bros are farmers working from sunup to sundown before heading to the hoedown, err broedown. These bros are looking for the ultimate in off-road machines and nothing can compare to a Chevy or Ford truck with a lift kit and 38″, at least, Super Swampers. Who am I kidding? Most bro-trucks are two-wheel drive trucks lifted for peacocking purposes and are usually adorned with Z71 and FX4 decals even though they did not come from the factory with the options that those decals represent. These are the vehicular equivalent of grunting when you work out. Yes bro, we can see how jacked and tall your truck is. Bro-trucks are meant to resemble monster trucks like Bigfoot because we all know what they say about bros with big feet. Because, do you even lift, bro?
Mitsubishi Lancer Evo
If you look at any bro’s DVD or Bro-Ray collection, you are sure to find every “Fast and the Furious” release amongst copies of “Scarface,” “Wedding Crashers,” and “The Hangover.” The Mitsubishi Lancer Evo lets a bro buy his very own fast and furious car right off the showroom floor or from the lot at Dealin’ Dave’s. These cars look fast, have mad street cred, make loud noises, are covered in vents and scoops, and usually resemble shopping carts with their large rear wings. These are the key features a car must possess in order to get the coveted “recommended” rating from Bro-sumer Reports. Also, because race car.
Subaru WRX STI
See above. Because bro.
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