“The Bachelor” 2013 resumed on February 25 as Sean Lowe and his three remaining chickies headed off to Si Kao, Thailand for a trio of simply scandalous overnight dates. (Okay, not really. This is Sean we’re talking about here. But “scandalous” just sounds so much juicier than “tame and white bread”.)
The show opened with Sean riding in a boat, waxing poetic about Lindsay, Catherine and AshLee. Oh la la. He claimed to be “frickin’ crazy about all three of them”. Oh, and let’s not forget the “strong feelings”.
Then he talked about each girl separately. He cited the undeniable “spark” he shares with “weird, nerdy and goofy” Catherine. Because he loves being silly, y’all. But he also wants to get into her pants. And then he threw in some important buzz words –“morals” and “goals”– just to prove that it isn’t all about having fun and getting into her pants.
But wait, he called his relationship with AshLee, the 32-year old “cougar” (as if!) the strongest of the three. (Take that, silly Catherine!) He praised her for her big heart, openness and honesty. He called her an “incredible woman”. He could picture them together in “a nice little house with kids running around”. Nice.
And then there was wedding dress Lindsay. He noted how their spark had turned into a flame. He remembered how he almost sent her home on night one, but was glad for her “never has a bad day” attitude.
So just to summarize: “woohoo, Catherine is so fun and I can’t wait to get her into bed!”; “AshLee is so mature and so sweet!”; and “Lindsay is still kind of weird but I really like her a lot. Oh, and she’s also fun”. Sweet, mature girls never win. AshLee is toast.
After a break, Sean met up with Lindsay for their date. He was excited. Lindsay was excited. She planned to tell him she was in love with him at the end of the day, as long as things went well. Uh oh! They met. He called her cute. She may’ve called him cute too, but I was too busy puking in my mouth to notice. They went for a little ride and kissed and chattered, calling it “cool” and “beautiful”. They arrived in a little market, and Sean asked Lindsay if she was a food adventurer. She said yes, but quickly added that she wouldn’t eat bugs. Which pretty much meant she’d be asked to eat a bug.
Sean and Lindsay meandered and saw brightly colored chicks and weird-looking fruits and veggies and clothes. They bought some stuff, and then of course Sean predictably challenged the bug-eating moratorium. To her credit, Lindsay said okay. Way to be strong and stick to your convictions, girl. She promised to get him back and then choked that sucker down. Then they ate an even bigger bug. I thought she’d vomit but no, Sean’s great strength and bravery inspired her to keep it down. Gross. On many levels. Have standards, girl. Not even for my husband would I ingest a big honkin’ bug. No way, no how. Not even if he promised me diamonds and a vacation on Kaua’i and a lifetime supply of awesome 80s TV shows on DVD. No.
Sean was thrilled that she ate bugs for him. He likened her to his high school sweetheart (because I totally ate bugs for my high school sweetie) and was happy that he could maybe kinda see himself falling for her. They wandered out onto an isolated beach, where they talked about their date with Lindsay’s family. She said she’d be “the luckiest girl” if they got married. And Sean called her “the best friend that I’ve been looking for”. Aw. Lindsay found the date life-changing. She flipped her hair and smiled. It was all very over-produced in that delicate kind of way.
Later, they changed into swimwear, with Sean modeling a pair of boxers that my 4-year old son would love and Lindsay in a microscopic purple bikini. Then they played with monkeys on the beach. Oh, so many wrong things about that. Then they took advantage of the beautiful scenery and the sunset and kissed in the water. Lindsay hemmed and hawed over telling Sean she loves him, and worried that if she didn’t, she’d lose him. Like, maybe, Lesley did? But you’re all good, girl. He has fun with you, and Sean loves to have fun. Maybe he should just a blow up doll and name it Fun Girl and send all three of ’em packing.
That night, they got together for dinner in front of two traditional Thai floats. Sean mused that he thought he could marry Lindsay. Seriously, y’all, he totally could. She ate a BUG for him! She gushed over the lights and flowers and proclaimed herself “so crazy in love with this man”. I like her, but mouth vomit.
Sean praised her bug-eating and monkey-feeding and they toasted to their evening. He confirmed that she’d move to Dallas if they got engaged, and of course she said yes! There was more mushy happy talk and Lindsay struggled to say I love you. She told him that she takes it all seriously. And that it “feels right” and “real”. And that she won’t take “anything for granted”. Tick, tock. Aaaaand… suddenly there was music. And dancing. And she was off the hook. For the moment. They watched the traditional dance. Lindsay hemmed more about the L word.
And then the key to the Fantasy Suite showed up. And Lindsay jumped at the chance for some no-camera time. Sean called her “incredible” and said every minute made him feel more like he’s falling in love with her. Inside, they agreed that they both want to spend their lives with their best friends. And Lindsay awkwardly hemmed and hawed over the L word. Again. Oh, but wait! She said it! She said it! Music played! They kissed! Sean said he loved hearing her say that! Vive la romance! It was a life-changing moment for wedding dress Lindsay. And then the date ended. Bam.
With one life-changing date with a beautiful, fun girl behind him, Sean moved onto number two: AshLee. As she approached to greet him, he basked in the glory of her many I Love Yous last week. AshLee gushed about him and called him “the love of my life”. Oh man, you are so buttered. They sat in a boat in the sun and she fawned over him. There may have been drool bubbles. She gushed more about how much she adores him but worried that his heart wasn’t in the same place. Uh oh.
Sean, of course, had something scary in store for comfort-seeker AshLee. He hoped she’d “latch onto me for support” as they swam through a deep, dark cave to get to a private beach. She was scared. She touched on her abandonment issues. She talked about rejection. Sean talked about how important it was for her to let go of control and trust him. Tall order, cowboy.
But they stripped to their skivvies and dove into the water. She freaked. She talked about her vulnerability. Yeah, because the show producers would ever let anything bad happen. Come on. I mean, it would be so cool if a snaggle toothed water monkey popped up and ate both of them, it’s not gonna happen.
It was dark. She continued freaking. She waxed poetic on life and how scary taking risks can be. Blah blah. But she pledged committment to Sean and vowed to let go. So they floated more. In the dark. But the darkness was short-lived, and they came out of the cage into a unique enclosed beach surrounded by lush greenery. And rocks. Big, huge rocks.
Like Sean and Lindsay before them, Sean and AshLee stood in the water and kissed. And AshLee echoed Lindsay’s sentiment: “I love this man”. It was insightful stuff. Thought provoking. Deep. Not. Later, they headed off to dinner. AshLee again said she was in love with Sean. But she worried about the impending fantasy suite date, and didn’t want to put herself out there because ew, why would she want to have sex with a dude who was going to have sex with two other chicks too? (My paraphrase. She’s much more demure.)
They talked over wine. They talked about still being single at the ripe old ages of 29 and 32. AshLee talked about how much getting engaged means to her. AshLee gushed more. There was mouth vomit. And she worried more about the overnight date card. When she finally opened it, she hemmed and hawed. Sean said he was falling in love with her, and that staying up all night talking was his idea of a great time in the Fantasy Suite. AshLee muttered something about not crossing a boundary and totally seemed like she’d say no, but surprise! She said okay. And that she trusts him. And they went off to spend time alone. Then she described her ideal engagement ring and gave him her ring size before telling the camera that he’s her soul mate. And then she totally screwed herself by saying “this man has healed my broken heart”. Totally buttered.
And… date over.
And then voila, daylight, and Catherine was accosting Sean on a beach. She kissed him and looked giddy and Sean told her they’d be cruising on a boat and looking around. He told the camera he’d missed her a lot and that he loves spending time with her. But that he still has questions about her. (Yeah, like why her sisters said she wasn’t ready.) Succinct.
Catherine talked about his gorgeousness and how happy she is around him. She was excited to be away from her family so she could be herself with Sean again. Wait, what? Did she just say that? They laid on a boat cuddling in the sun. Catherine insisted that she could be fun and serious and talked about her vulnerability. And made almost no eye contact with Sean. Despite telling Lindsay she was his best friend, he called Catherine best friend material. But noted that he wasn’t sure if she’d be willing to move to Dallas for him, so he asked. She didn’t really answer other than yeah sure I guess, and then moved quickly to bag on her sisters. (Remember the whole “girls who can’t get along with girls” thing, Sean? Red flag! Red flag!)
Sean stared at her while she talked. Catherine looked off at some unseen thing… her hamster? an interesting cloud formation? her thoughts written on a piece of paper in her mind? Eye contact! Make eye contact, darn it! She insisted that she was fine with the idea of getting married and that she was falling in love. Then she, like Lindsay and AshLee, referred to Sean as “this man”. Maybe I’ll just call him “this man” from here on out.
They dove into the water. They kissed in the rain. Catherine claimed to be ready for love. Oh la la! And then they moved on to dinner. This Man gushed that Catherine had “exceeded his expectations” and that she “gets me better than anyone else”. Really? He confirmed that he could see himself married to her.
This Man asked her where they’d be in five years. She said married, with a kid. And insisted that she’d really traditional when it comes to relationships. Really? Because I see no indication of that. Weird. Sean said he could see himself marrying her.
And she too stressed over the whole Fantasy Suite card. Really? Good grief. Everyone has sex on the brain.
She waxed on about wanting to be viewed as a lady and not as someone “like that”. But that she’d do it anyway. Sean –as he did with the others– assured her that he was after not ass, but “uninterrupted hours”. This Man liked that she was nervous about the sex room. She read the card. She accepted the invitation. And they were off. To not have sex.
Catherine marveled over how amazing it was that “a boy like him would like a girl like me”. And then she called him “beefy” yet again. Girlfriend is way too into physical crap. Sean assured her that he was the lucky one. Then they got into a pool and kissed and she talked about the importance of an intimate night. Wait, what?
That date was very confusing.
A half-naked This Man (who will once again be known as Sean from here on out because I’m tired of typing extra characters) woke up ready to send a chick home. Badda-bing, badda-boom. He lamented having to send the girl home, noting that she has very strong feelings for him and that it was the same week that Emily Maynard sent him packing. And left him broken hearted. Aw.
He sat down with Chris Harrison (after putting his shirt on) and confirmed that he knew who he’d be booting, and that the decision was harder than it’d been sending Des home. He called her “one of the sweetest women I’ve ever met”. Sounds like AshLee, folks. But on the bright side, he also said he could see himself winding up proposing. Because dude, he’s in love!
He looked at their pictures and talked more, blah blah. And then despite his earlier claim, he said he wasn’t totally sure who to send home. What? Then he watched private video messages from each gal. He grinned like a fool as Lindsay talked about falling in love with him and making him happy. He smiled a little less aggressively as Catherine called him a “mega hunk” and talked about how he gives her “the wiggles”. (What, is she 12?) And then, he smiled even less when AshLee talked about how he’d helped her walls come down. And he looked like he wanted to crawl under a rock when she started crying. Dum da dum. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: butter that girl.
Afterward, he stood outside, looking thoughtful as he stared at the crashing waves. Filler, but hey, at least it wasn’t a totally vacant Brad Womack “okay Brad, sit there and look thoughtful” kind of face. He agonized over having to send the mystery girl home, and agonized more that she wouldn’t be okay with the bad news. Buck up, dude. You’re the bachelor. It’s all about kissing girls and sending them packing.
Chris talked with the girls and helpfully reminded them that they were entering, effectively, the last rose ceremony. And then Sean entered and told them that he feared that he’d break someone’s heart like his had been broken. But a guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do. With that, Sean picked up the first rose, Lindsay cussed, the music played, the girls looked serious. And Lindsay’s name was called. Phew. And then the second rose. Much pause, much drama. And he finally called Catherine’s name. My husband gasped, y’all. And muttered “bad call, dude.”
But AshLee. Oh man, ASH-LEE. AshLee looked like she wanted to gut him. Gut him, y’all. I was scared. She walked out without saying goodbye to Lindsay or Catherine. And glared at Sean as she pushed him away. He made it worse by telling her that he’d thought it was her from the beginning (dude, not helpful), but, well, clearly things changed. Nice explanation, tool. If looks could kill, Sean would be dead ten times over. He insisted that he didn’t want to hurt her. She wasn’t having it, and got into the car. And drove away. She told the car-cam that it wasn’t “a silly game to me”. Then she took a direct hit at Lindsay and Catherine by saying it wasn’t about “laughter and joking and having fun”. Ooooh, woman scorned. Then eventually, the anger faded and she turned away from the camera and cried and lamented that she’d let him in. And my heart broke for her. Poor girl. Poor, love-crazed, scorned girl.
So now Sean’s down to the Fun Chicks, Lindsay and Catherine.
“The Bachelor” 2013 returns next week with the hotly anticipated women tell all, featuring the herd. Including the very sparkly Tierra LiCausi. Get ready for a fun ride.