I was ready to let all inhibitions go…give Jason my all with all the fixings. I wanted to wait until I’ll got married to give somebody all the fixings and this was no different, but believe it or not, Jason and I had already talked about marriage, and now I thought he was the one. Our marriage conversation was brief, but we did talk about it. During our third conversation, Jason said, “Lisa, you’re going to be my wife.” It threw me for a loop because no guy had ever said anything like that to me before, especially with so much confidence. At 19, I ate his words up. Then at 20 almost 21, it was becoming more of a reality to me.
I felt something real for Jason, but I wondered if I was a little too young. The pressure made me feel like my time was running out. Was this sound coming from the biological clock that women talked about? Am I hearing it because I’m getting close to my “married goal age?”
NEWS FLASH: Most women set an age for marriage. I set mine when I was 10 years old playing house with Barbies. My set age was 25.
The pressure of this clock ensues when you see your friends get married, when family members start asking questions about when you’re getting married and when mothers ask when they are going to have grandchildren (it doesn’t matter if you even have a man or not for this one). And oh…don’t let a sibling, especially a younger sibling, get married before you! My sister got married before me and I never heard the end of it until I finally got married.
I couldn’t let the biological clock’s chime cause me to make a crazy decision. But I was at a standstill because Jason had so much potential. I’m guilty of falling in love with the possibilities and being wrong, but I also regret not letting go when someone I loved, loved me back. I thought if I let go too early, I would be missing out on something.
I honestly believe I could have gotten married way before my late 30s had I released some of my hurt, some of my white picket fence mentality, some of my “you’re too young” mentality, and some of my ignorance. I don’t know why I went off on this tangent, but I do know that at that time I was lost in what to do with Jason. You can’t just turn off love like that nor was I about to try, but I needed to figure out how not to hate him.
Let’s go back…
After five days of unreturned calls and text messages, I went in to do an 11-7:30 p.m. shift. There was a flower delivery waiting for me when I got there. My coworkers had already set the flowers up behind my workstation, but I wasn’t interested in getting flowers. They were from Jason saying he was sorry. At about noon, he was in the lobby, but when he got to the top of line, I left my window and went to the restroom. I lingered a little while and when I came back, to my relief, I didn’t see him in the line anymore.
I walked past customer services and there he was. “Lisa, we need to talk about this.” I sat down in customer services and said in a hushed tone, “Jason, this is a place of business. I don’t want to jeopardize my job because of my personal life. If you really want to talk to me, I’ll call you when I get off. Okay? Please don’t come back to my job.” Jason said okay and went on his way.
I called him when I got off and he asked me where I was and I told him I was about to turn on my street and he said that he’d see me when I got there. Now, I had specifically told him I would call him when I got off. Why was he at my house? I didn’t pull all the way into my driveway but I stopped at the end and got out so I could address him. He met me right at my car door and as soon as I got out the car, he attacked me with a kiss. I pushed him off of me and said, “What is this!” He said, “shhhh…” and kissed me again and I gave into him and tears fell from my eyes AGAIN…
The next words out of his mouth were, “Just tell me not to go through with it and I won’t, just tell me you’ll run away with me to Toledo and marry me and I’ll drop everything and we’ll go tonight. Just tell me…”
“What’s stopping you?”
“The situation is. I want to be with you, but not like this.”
He looked at me very strange, so I felt the need to explain.
“Listen, my heart wants to be with you, but this situation is too dramatic. I think that if we got married, we would experience many road blocks because you have a baby mama now and that throws a monkey wrench into anything that we may try to plan together, don’t you think…?”
“Lisa (sigh), I only have one question for you…do you love me?”
“Stop…Do you love me?”
“Yes, but I…”
“What’s there to think about then?”
“It’s a lot to think about, Jason. Do I want the extra drama? Can I deal with you being a father? YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW. Do you really think that this is drama-free?”
Looking at me with a quizzical stare, he asked, “Well…then what do you want? You say you want me, but now you’re saying that because of my situation, you don’t see us together! I got to admit, Lisa, it’s like I’m dealing with two different people here. First, you’re crying when I kiss you, which says to me you want to be with me, and the next minute you’re preaching about why we can’t be together. I mean, what’s up? We can do this together. If you’re in my corner and in my corner for real then there’s no stopping what we can do together. All I would need to know is that you’ll rough it out with me. I don’t care about anything else. So can we do this?”
Jason wanted an answer and he wasn’t trying to hear me say anything other than, “Yes, we can do this together.” But I couldn’t make a decision that would be for the rest of my life in five minutes. A part of me wanted to just go with the flow, but then the other part of me couldn’t really decipher if I really wanted to be with him or if I just liked feeling the craziness of being the one he was choosing. I couldn’t make that decision in five minutes either. I know that everything is not always ironed out before you get married so maybe Jason and I had a chance…
Indecision – The inability to make a decision quickly