I mean, come on? Have you seen this show? The actual living humans rarely get along, are constantly shooting at each other, and are endlessly suspicious of one another. They’re never happy, they’re getting more and more bitter by the day, and, well, they’re in Georgia!
Okay, Georgia isn’t that bad. Rumors have it that Valdosta is quite nice, especially at this time of year. But the humans are stuck in a post apocalyptic world (pssst…that means after the apocalypse, just so you know) and yet still gripe about the situation, as though it just might get better soon. Perhaps someone’s being unfair, but in order for it to get better, they’ll have to work together sooner or later (no breath holding, please) and rebuild to make it better, but all they do is worry about those other people coming to ruin their lives. The absolute end is just over there, and yet they cannot get by without a lot of war.
Job opportunities are low, the benefits aren’t improving at all (only diminishing, in fact), and the general quality of life spirals downward on an hourly basis. The management continues with those inane rants and then runs off without making any appropriate decisions at all yet leave hoards of perfectly capable people hanging in some purgatory of indecision. Furthermore, the best conditions and most structured place to be are in jail.
Not much has changed with the humans, has it?
But as for the zombies? They have it made in the shade. They get along wonderfully (have you ever seen two zombies throw down?), they never complain about their situation, and they’re not picky about their dinner. They don’t gripe about accommodations and remain focused on the tasks at hand. What a fantastic blue collar force they would be, if the so-called people in charge could let go of the notion that it’s still all about them.
Overall, it seems to me, after watching more than three seasons of this carousel of ineptitude, that one is likely better off being one of the zombies. Well, except for Maggie (who weirds people out when the actress gives interviews in a British accent, as though she once worked on the Death Star); there are plenty of us out here who like her just the way she is. In fact, here are five perfectly good reasons why being a zombie is a step up rather than stagnating in the human cesspool.
You’re going to end up being a zombie, anyway.
Mortality dictates that once someone dies in this Georgia reality, their body reanimates and joins the realm of zombiehood. This happens if they die of the flu, a shot to the head, old age, or after eating bad shellfish. And could anyone, anyone at all, explain why any of these people would eat shellfish without having the appropriate refrigeration available? Now that we’re on the subject, why would anyone eat these bizarre water bugs (particularly the ones the size of a cat), anyway. To be honest, your humble author does enjoy the occasional plate of shrimp with some lobster tail (and crab legs, despite how much work they are), but it’s still a mystery of how anyone thought eating those were a good idea. Okay, we all know nobody on the show has had this problem, but it felt right making the point.
The thing is, becoming a zombie is an unavoidable situation. It’s like puberty, heartbreak, ice cream socials, and liberals being allowed to participate in an intelligent conversation. Some things in life are virtually impossible to avoid. So, it comes recommended to simply go ahead and get the shot. Take a bite, or better yet (since the transformation from healthy to zombie is aggravating), just go ahead and enjoy a mound of questionable shellfish and then drink some tequila until you pass out.
Zombies team up and get along magnificently. They are not pretentious.
No, they don’t help each other out a whole bunch but rather act like Brazilian teenage tourists at Disney World, but they don’t constantly fight and cry about every little thing, either. They don’t deal with pseudo-leaders like Rick or The Governor blathering about the head with rhetoric promising better times with no way to carry through; there are no Liberals in the zombie brotherhood. Instead, the zombies have their act together and develop very effective focus groups with a pinpoint goal in mind, all the while appearing more than satisfied to keep the methods simple and to the point.
The zombies aren’t all hyped up about the former inmates getting near the nubile blondes when there are more important things to do. The zombies don’t walk up to anyone with an extended hand while the other hand is behind one’s back holding a loaded pistol. Covert hostility is a thing of the past when it comes to those who are zombies, because once one reaches the zombie state of mind, the pretty girls are more than content to join the team in the field. Mock chauvinism has no place in the world of busy zombies.
Zombies are happy with the status quo.
It’s quite fair to say that there are so many things within the real world that aren’t going to change anytime soon. Nobody is immortal. There might be no more taxes (for a while, anyway) after the occurrence of the Zombie Apocalypse, but the loss is that many of the benefits offered by society will be gone, too. Public Transportation? Gone. NOAA Weather forecasts on the radio? Bye bye. The point is that life will revert to much of what it was like approximately two hundred and fifty years ago, well before there was any modern technology. The minor difference to that will be there won’t be anyone knowledgeable on coping with life without technology, other than a few minor exceptions.
But the zombies will be cool with all of that. They’ve already endured one death, so another coming along sooner or later will seem routine. They’re more than happy to amble along on foot no matter how far they have to travel, regardless of the weather conditions. The only technology they might desire is pavement, but that isn’t a direct desire but merely an indirect incidence of how they make their way. In fact, zombies are so content right down to their very core that should someone come along and cut their legs off or even cut them in half at the waist, they’re still more than happy to drag along with their fingernails to get to that next feast of living flesh. I believe it is fair to say that if you cut off the legs of the typical human, you’re just going to be surrounded by constant complaining.
Zombies aren’t concerned with the second amendment.
It could be argued that zombies should be concerned with some aspect of gun control, what with zombies being easily killed by a shot to the head. But take that with some perspective; virtually everyone is killed when shot in the head. But even with these facts being apparent, zombies aren’t all up in arms (pun somewhat intended) when it comes to humans having guns in their possession. And it should be pointed out that unlike whiny Liberals, zombies don’t project any preference of who they desire to eat, whether they are for or against firearms. It seems that despite how those two demographics judge one another with considerable vitriol, they both apparently taste just fine.
It can be said that zombies prefer their right of way being protected (they don’t cope well with obstacles) but aside from that, they’re not known to picket or relentlessly chant on about their demands. They do seem to prefer a freedom of expression, but that isn’t to say they’re thumping people with pocket constitutions. In short, if you attempt to prevent them from taking an enormous bite out of your neck, they’re simply going to continue with that endeavor until they succeed, or they don’t. Success or failure depends on the outcome; the endeavor will be pursued diligently without any agenda.
Zombies are no longer human, so they don’t suffer human shortcomings.
Let’s face it; humanity tends to suck a lot. There’s the old saying that to error is human, but the fact is that humanity isn’t really that good at much of anything. Sure, some people are smarter than others, but nobody has a handle on taking care of some of the world’s problems. We still endure massive amounts of poverty, crime, victimization, corruption, and unsolicited telemarketer calls during dinner. We have more than enough nuclear weapons to destroy the entire planet, but we don’t have one single way to cope with our own economical and monetary processes, even while considering they are our creations.
But zombies aren’t concerned with agendas, meetings, curriculums, oil changes, or the fact that somehow the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers is one of the most successful television shows in the history of TV. They don’t fight over border issues, unfair benefits passed to the privileged, or ObamaCare. Zombies aren’t concerned with your opinion on gay marriage or antilock braking systems. They just want to wander freely, eating the living flesh of whatever or whoever comes along and is catchable. Zombies are the personification of the motto, Keep It Simple, Stupid.
So, there you have it, my friends. Regardless of the spew perpetrated by the mainstream media, should the Zombie Apocalypse occur, you should seriously consider going for the zombie choice early rather than enduring months and months of personal torture and sacrifice just to avoid the inevitable. Sure, the zombie opponents will endlessly cry out against becoming a zombie, but you have to make your own choices and consider the simple facts. Should there ever be a true Zombie Apocalypse, it will be because being a zombie is better than being human. Just ask anyone supporting a Progressive Agenda.
