Ladies and gentlemen, as the footballing is now in full swing, it seems like it’s an appropriate time to undeniably rank all things football for the upcoming seasonings. So, let’s put on our collective tackling hats and adjust our mask-guards while spitting gratuitously as we analyze this new spate of matchgames. Feast your eyes upon a series of meaningless numbered items that should momentarily distract you from the pain of being unable to watch grown men sweat on each other!
(Last week’s rankings, which I forgot to submit, or even compile, are in parenthesis.)
32. Oakland Raiders (LW: 32) An unproven Terrell Pryor will continue to prove nothing as the Oakland Raiders should settle their case, right now, out of court, gladly accepting the state of California’s generous plea deal of 10 losses (9 with good behavior).
T-31. Arizona Cardinals (LW: 31) The Cardinals implement a new series of special trick plays designed to fool the media into thinking they actually believe they can win games.
T-31. Jacksonville Jaguars (LW: 39) Jacksonville’s season takes a dire turn as they’re informed of the legality of the forward pass, which is devastating considering they still don’t have a quarterback on their roster.
T-31. Tennessee Titans (The last time I ranked the Titans was when Chris Johnson actually looked like an awesome RB) Chris Johnson looked fantastic at being slow and ineffective behind a revamped offensive line specifically designed to exploit his slow, ineffective “running” style.
Totally-embarrassing. N.Y. Jets (LW: irrelevant) Mark Sanchez would’ve been their starter, had he not been injured. Yes, Mark Sanchez–the quarterback from USC, the quarterback you are thinking of right now–would have been their starter had not events that were beyond the team’s control forced them to start someone else. After rereading those sentences, I’ve received a Real Time Updated Ranking for the N.Y. Jets, straight from the supercomputer algorithms that dictate these numbers: 387,248,473th in all things.
27. Indianapolis Colts (LW: Yeah, Andrew Luck is good, but…….) Colts fans are furious as they simultaneously discover 1) that Peyton Manning still plays for the Broncos and 2) the definition of “crazy fluke season”.
26. Buffalo Bills (LW: Still the Bills) #EJManuel causes Twitter’s servers to crash as the rookie quarterback throws for at least 700 yards over the course of his career.
25. Houston Texans (LW: Like, 9th. Or something. I don’t know. Where would you rank a team that’s going to lose its first playoff game?) As it turns out, it’s easy to win the division when that division is made up of you, slow Chris Johnson, a team without a quarterback, and a team that only has a quarterback. Also, this is the team voted most likely to have been named the Oilers in the past.
24. Alabama Crimson Tide (LW: finally confirmed that this actually isn’t a college team) Strong contenders for a third straight collegiate title. However, they’re ranked last among NFL teams in terms of classes attended.
23-22. San Diego Chargers AND Philadelphia Eagles (LW: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie) Philip Rivers’ desire to stay inside on the weekend makes Michael Vick pout and say “you never take me anywhere anymore!” Later, Michael kills a dog.
21-8. A bunch of teams (LW, the same bunch of teams) Every team between the 21st ranking and the 8th is pretty much the same. They’ll win some games, they’ll lose some games. Sometimes, they’ll win games they weren’t expected to. Sometimes, they’ll lose games they weren’t expected to. Blah, blah, blah.
7. Carolina Panthers (LW: 24) Just kidding. They’ll suck.
6. Green Bay Packers (LW: 7) Also kidding. They’ll also suck. Just not as badly. They’ll suck in that they have one of the potentially greatest quarterbacks of ever, but they’re still going to go 10-6 (if that) and then lose in the playoffs.
5. The Dallas Cowboys (LW: Jerry Jones bribed me) Not kidding. Because, um, yeah. The Cowboys. Hey, that stadium! That stadium is awesome. Sometimes they even play football in it! Does anyone know if Tony Romo is still dating Jessica Simpson? If not, I want a shot. Tony seems like my type.
4. Is my favorite number (LW: Still my favorite number) It’s just a great number, don’t you think?
3. San Francisco 49ers, New England Patriots, Baltimore Ravens, Seattle Seahawks, Other Teams That May Or May Not Have Already Been Mentioned (LW: A time and place beyond reason and numbers) One of these teams is going to win the Super Bowl this year.
2. The Denver Broncos (LW: 3) After a great season, Peyton probably Peytons his way out of the playoffs again.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (LW: 1) Undeniably, the Chiefs had the top payroll for 2012. Seriously.