Nearly Every guy I know has to sit through some seriously boring movies to appease their fairer half. It’s the price we men pay for some peace and quiet at times, and often it’s short lived. To help the time go by, it is a good idea to pick a seriously macho actor and imagine them in one of the leads. Who can shake up a story line more than Samuel L. Jackson? No one I know…..
“I said ‘Toby is a slave name!‘ Hit me with that whip again mutha******”!” As Kunta Kinte Samuel L. Jackson would have ended slavery in the late 1700’s. The role would be so convincing, that by Presidential decree, all history books would change to reflect that Kunta Kinte led a slave uprising that resulted in the death of 22 slave owners, 3 ships’ captains, several extras, and LeVar Burton (sorry, Jordy).
By the third act it becomes apparent that these seniors are actually mob enforcers. Their walkers are nothing more than clever props to hide their shot guns. Like geriatric Transformers, the last members of “the Greatest Generation” collect debts and learn the younger generation a thing or two about fiscal responsibility, all the while talking about when they were young. That is until Shaft steps in to save the hood from the American Association of Rape and Pilaging (AARP). Old people, dentures and bullets fly in this should have been Samuel L. Jackson/Steven Spielberg collaboration. Think of it as Red 3: The Reckoning.
8. “Dr. Who”
This might upset Whovians, but think of the possibilities! Samuel L. Jackson shoots the bad guys, goes back and time, and shoots them again. Occasionally the (current) Doctor will crash the Tardis into a planet. Samuel L. Jack would crash it into a bank….. then he dives out of the door with pistols blazing. “Sonic screw driver? My a**!”
First things first; character names have to change. Patrick Swayze’s character is now known as Bubba. Willie (played by Whoopi Goldberg initially) is now played by Samuel L. Jackson and called… well, Sam. Bubba has been brutally slain at the hands of a thief. As a ghost, he realizes that it was no accident and he has to warn his fiancé Molly (Demi Moore). Samuel L. Jackson is a psychic medium specializing in intimidating spirits into leaving town and a part time television repairman. Bubba eventually convinces Sam that he must warn Molly that she is in danger. Once Bubba has convinced Sam there is a danger, it is on. Sam kicks in the door of Molly’s apartment, waxes four bad guys and my mother in law, saving Molly at the last moment. The scene ends along these lines:
Molly: Oh my God, it IS Bubba! What’s he saying?
William: He’s saying we have to take a shower together.
Some are thinking there’s no way Samuel L. Jackson could be so “passive”. Some might even say Mr. Jackson does not have the acting chops that Ben Kingsley has. Not true. Ghandi with SLJ goes down like this:
Surviving on nothing but bread, water, and lion’s milk, Samuel L. Jackson walks the Indian countryside spreading the word of peace and administering an asswhuppin to those who do not honor his passive ways. For those of you who are drawing a comparison to Kung Fu, consider this: Kwai Chang Caine is a skinny white dude who throws people around. Mahatma L. Jackson uses guns and sh*t blows up!
5. “The Notebook”
Screw Ryan Gosling, Samuel L. Jackson would have made a much more entertaining Noah. Think back to the scene where Noah is hanging off the Ferris wheel until Allie (the really hot chick we didn’t get to see naked) agrees to go on a date with him. Sam Jackson don’t hang off any carnival ride, he doesn’t have to. Samuel L. Jackson would have held her off the ride by one ankle until she agreed to pick up the tab… there was never a question if she was going out with him. THAT is worth writing down in a notebook.
4. “Deep Blue Sea”
Well if they had come up with about $1.4 million more he would have killed all those genetically altered sharks. As it was he had to settle for giving just one indigestion. Was I the only one waiting on a fist to bust through the side of a shark? What kind of movie “kills” Samuel L. Jackson, but let’s L.L. Cool J live?
3. “Twilight ”
“I’m tired of all the mutha***in’ vampires in this mutha***in’ field”. As Edward Cullen, Samuel L. Jackson would show his gentler, more sensitive side. The problem with Mr. Jackson playing a sparkly vampire is that he would be sparkly, and Mr. Jackson don’t do glitter. That and the fact that having sex with Bella probably WOULD have killed her, but a lot of us don’t see that as a real problem.
2. “Passion of the Christ”
SLJ- 132 Jews-0 (Highlights on Sportscenter at 11.)
1. “Cast Away”
Really this is a tossup, he could be Wilson (who originally had a speaking role) or he could be Tom Hanks’ character, Chuck Noland. Our money is on Wilson. As Nolan, SLJ would simply make ropes from shark skin, tie them around the island and swim (island in tow) back to civilization. As Wilson, Hanks has the potential to piss him off without getting slapped.