I was around six or seven years old, dressed as a lamb….or a cotton ball, depending on how you saw it. It was my mom’s idea to dress me like that so she could show me off to all the other mothers. Mommy’s cute little lamb! And no, that is not the embarrassing part. I can assure you this story gets much, much worse as it goes on!
So anyway, we decided (well, my parents decided) it would be a good idea to take me to my first ever haunted house. Because, you know, scaring a little kid into years of expensive therapy down the line was something to do, you know? Anyway, they took me for an early round of trick-or-treating and then whisked me off to a local haunted house which sported a mummy, a laboratory complete with cackling mad scientist, copious amount of fake spider-webs….and Dracula. Apparently, Mr. Dracula never learned not to touch people. But I am getting ahead of myself.
So, we went through said haunted house, my dad carrying me because after the sixth or seventh ghoul jumping out and scaring me my poor little legs just didn’t want to work anymore. Go figure. We passed through a dungeon, the mad lab, and made our way into a little room in which rested a coffin covered in candles. I am not sure how a vampire would get in and out of said coffin without dumping wax everywhere, but details like that spoil the fun!
So we are walking through this room when suddenly good ol’ Vlad jumps out and does his vampire schtick. We all jumped and giggled and continued on our merry little way. Only Drac didn’t get the clue, and began following us through the rest of the haunted house. He kept sticking his face in mine, going “Blur! Blur! Blur!” which, of course, I absolutely loved as you can imagine. This didn’t sit well with my mom who thought ol’ Vlad was going a bit overboard, but she nevertheless remained civil.
Civil, that is, until he tried to bite her neck.
Well, pretended to bite it anyway, but I think she thought he was trying to cop a feel. So she smacked him….hard! I usually imagine his fake vampire teeth flying across the dark room and hitting some kid in the back of the head. I doubt that happened, but it makes me laugh either way to imagine it. What Drac was thinking is beyond me. Did he really think trying to give a hickey to some guy’s wife in the presence of mommy’s little lamb was a good idea? I have no idea, but either way Vlad took off running back to his chambers. Even through his ghostly pallor I am pretty sure people could see his beet red face.
So there you have it. My mom beat up Count Dracula on Halloween. Top that, buddy!
