Being single is by choice or circumstance. The older you get, the more in tune you become with what you want, need and seek in a partner. Such knowledge lays the foundation for you and your dating platform.
A few of my friends go on one to five dates a year while others are able to score more. I am a pretty lucky girl when it comes to dating. I am able to consistently date by choice. When I turned 30, I decided to take a different approach to dating and document my journey on how I found myself and realized that the guys I dated in the past weren’t really the kind of guys I was looking to settle down with. I documented my journey within my new book, Damned Dating Dame; however, here is a quick run down on why you may be single and how you can overcome your circumstance.
I had an idea who I was but didn’t realize that my outside wasn’t representing my inside. I’d worked hard to look sexy and show off my outstanding figure, but I never realized that the sex kitten I’d been flaunting to the public wasn’t who I really was. I decided to sit down and think about who I am on the inside and behind closed doors and how I can relay that on the outside. I was always into beauty pageants and I have an old- school approach to relationships since I was raised by my grandparents. I am also extremely aggressive and business minded. Once I identified who I was and developed my image, I began researching a celebrity to draw inspiration from. I chose none other than Michelle Obama. I decided to buy clothes that I felt she would wear (at my age) and there began a new me. I felt comfortable in my own skin. I wasn’t trying to be Michelle Obama; I was trying to embrace how I saw myself.
We are familiar with the phrase “you are what you eat.” I feel that that also can be incorporated into ones social caliber. You are who you hang around. It is common for people to go through their phones at the end of a year to erase the individuals they no longer want to communicate with the next year. You shouldn’t have to wait for a new year to come in order to evaluate your real life friends list. I am an advocate for never burning bridges, because we all lose our way sometimes and have to retrace our steps in order to get on the right path. So just take the time to think about who you hang around and how those individuals can help you grow. Friendship isn’t about using people — it is about building a bond that serves as a catalyst in life. I personally wanted to surround myself with women and men who were extremely goal oriented like myself. I felt the need to socialize with people that understood sacrifice, the daily desire to succeed and achieve. I constantly work on things that I dreamed of and found joy in turning those dreams into a reality. Some people aren’t as focused and find it discouraging to see you doing so.
Those are the people you should limit your time with and replace their good ol’ QT with a like-minded individual who shares similar passions. By doing so, you’re adding value to your existence. You can not expect to be taken within different social brackets if you are not able to mingle with key players of the game. Making sure your social status is elite will allow you to date someone of a “quality” background.
I recently began the “talking” phase of dating with a young man that started off letting me know that he didn’t want children and he didn’t believe in God. Honey child, I made sure not to unpack my emotional bags, because I wouldn’t be staying long at his headquarters.
You need to make sure the men you attract and, more importantly, hang around have similar characteristics as you. This is extremely important in order for your level of appeal to be as high as possible. It is hard to date a person that you do not have anything in common with other than the fact that you are human. Sure, opposites attract, but how can you share in anything fun, engaging and/or memorable experiences if you aren’t able to connect on anything.
Keep in mind that you can not change a person unless they want to be changed. Having such a mindset ends up in disappointment. You also can not come to the table with your cape on ready, willing and able to save someone. That might not be your ministry! Therefore, make sure you know who you are, what you are into and the things you would love to share, grow and develop with your partner. This will make it easier to decided who you should bless with your attention for a better dating and relationship experience.
Approach: To be aggressive or not be aggressive?
That is the age old question women always ask me when inquiring about dating advice. I am a straight-forward woman and have asked men out. Most of the time they feel like a weight has been lifted off of their shoulders. They feel as if the guessing game is over, and they are equipped with a better sense of confidence when dealing with you. However, there are a lot of guys that prefer to be the aggressor. It is best to be discrete and ambiguous when approaching a man. Try aiming for friendship if you’re constantly around the object of your desire That will allow you to get an inside look at how he treats women and what type of ladies he is attracted to.
If you see a man in the supermarket that you can envision yourself ironing his shirt every morning after today and you can not find the words to say, simply compliment him. This is a back door rule of flirting. It also allows you to open a lane up for possible communication. Be advised that you may be rejected.
The most important element in a relationship is communication. You as an individual need to communicate with yourself in order to truly understand what is going on in your own life before you can dare enter into the world of another person. People always tell you to be careful and not play games with other peoples hearts, but the same holds true for your own heart. Evaluate your strong and weak points, your triggers that make you happy or sad, your goals in life, the things that hurt you the most in previous relationships, what you learned from them and the root of the good times with your ex. This is all relevant in your ability to understand how you are in a relationship and the dating process. Once you have a clear understanding of your good and bad moves, you need to develop an action plan to mentally, physically and spiritually develop yourself. I call this the priming process.
This is where you break down who you are to the core; leave all the baggage where it is and move on to a better you. By embracing your flaws and highlighting your pluses, you can be comfortable in your own skin and your ability to make better decisions concerning you and your life. So before you can even think about not being single, you need to embrace being single in order to truly bring something to the table to become whole with someone else!