I wish I could see you, touch cheeks;
Look into each other’s eyes to see what’s in them.
Why did you look at me?
And continued looking.
Why don’t you just ignore me and set me at ease?
I can accept that you have no desire for me.
But don’t you?
What goes through your mind when you see me?
Do you want to touch me?
Just once, just to know the truth.
Will I ever?
Am I a silly girl, caught up in a fantasy?
It’s not just my fantasy.
You started this and you continued this.
It’s your fault that I’m going through this.
I missed seeing you.
I missed the churning in my chest when you looked at me.
What I would do to just hold on to that state.
I don’t want to let it go.
Knowing that I probably won’t see you for another few months.
And by then the fire in my chest will subside.
How can I let that go? I can’t.
It’s all I have of you.
Why can’t it be me that you smile to,
that you share your thoughts with, that you cherish?
Each time you look at me you leave something with me.
But there’s no meaning, no message in your stare.
I want something that I can hold on to but you leave me puzzled.
I don’t know what to think but I can’t stop thinking.
I try to figure out something that cannot be figured out.
My mind goes in circles and all I end up with is images of you with her;
you touching her, talking to her, making love to her.
And I’m trying to be adult about this.
You are with her and I have no right to interfere.
But where do I belong?
What is my place?
Where do I go from here?
What does one do in such situation?
I don’t know how to be around you.
I can’t show what’s in my eyes. Do you care?
I need to protect myself.
You wouldn’t appreciate the truth anyway.
You won’t know what to do with it.
How can I show?
I’ll risk everything. What is the truth?
So I’ll show you, and you’ll just continue walking.
And I’ll feel a stab in my heart. And what then?
I’ll continue walking, all crippled.
I guess I’m not brave enough. Will I ever be?
I just want to feel you against my skin.
I want to smell you, feel your warmth.
Can such feelings exist?
Does anyone get the chance to experience them?
Is there a chance for us?
Maybe sometime in the future.
A long time from now.
In another life.
Perhaps when we’re both a bit braver.
Will we ever experience each other?
Will it be what we hoped or empty?
Will we be like strangers or will we connect immediately?
Do me a favor. Can you think of me once, just once while you’re with her.
Imagine caressing my curves, sending a surge through my body.
Kiss the back of my neck. Send me to heaven.
Or maybe I image the whole thing.
Maybe you are just being friendly.
Maybe you don’t desire me after all.
If that’s the case, how do I feel about you?
Is it possible to want somebody who you know has no care for you?
Where is the borderline between love, infatuation, and lust?
For me you are a mystery, a puzzle, and inspiration.
I grow through you. And I would love to continue solving this puzzle.
I hope I never do. I want to see you. I want to see and explore.